Tag Archives: aggressive

The unconditional love myth

Childfree people in America often get nagged by those with kids about unconditional love. People who have kids imply in a very intrusive way that if their interlocutors choose not to have a kid, nobody will love them unconditionally. “Who will love you unconditionally?” or “You will never know what unconditional love is” it goes. But do American parents really experience unconditional love from their kids? Their behavior shows that they not only do not, but the kids’ love, if any, is strongly conditioned by bribes and concessions from their parents.

Seeing American parents kowtowing to their kids throws a shadow of doubt on their unconditional love statements. Do they really believe it, in spite of their behavior that proves the contrary? If so, they must be really naive. Do they not see that what they call “unconditional love” actually depends on constant bribing and catering to the kid?

It is very easy to observe anywhere in public places that American parents are scared that their kids will not love or even like them. They do not make any demands for proper and respectful behavior for fear that their precious snowflake will not like it and, in turn, not like the parent who made the demand. They beg the kid instead of giving clear and strict orders and put themselves at the mercy of the spoiled, bratty kid. “Please, please, would you please, you are hurting my feelings, please do not scream this much, do not hurt my feelings, please, please, please” is their way of telling a two or three year old to stop ear-piercing screaming in a public place where silence is a standard required behavior. “Keep quiet”, “stop it” or “quiet, right now!” with a strict, serious face (and an immediate smile after the kid complies) is enough to get a normal, well-trained kid to comply, and this is what millions of people all around the world successfully do. However, Americans not only lack those skills, they are also too insecure and have a constant need to kowtow to the kid for fear it will not love them. So, where is the unconditional love?

American parents do not require the kid to eat what they decide is good for it but give it too many choices, often unhealthy, and let the kid that is too young to make such decisions eat whatever it wants, just because it wants to. Wherever food is served, it is easy to notice frequent scenes of this kind. I also remember an article published quite a few years ago about a woman from California (actually occurred before the more recent case in San Francisco) who started an action to ban within the whole town a fast food meal choice that included a toy just because her two year old kid was harassing her (her own term) to buy it. This behavior is not only a terrible lack of child-rearing skills and the spine to say “no”, but also the mother’s insecurity that the kid will not love her. So, is this the unconditional love?

Americans stuff their kids’ mouths with candy bribes whenever they can and at a single kid’s whim. They fulfill kids’ orders obediently and immediately. They buy tons of toys just because the deity kid requested them, played with them for a short time, and after dumping them in a far corner to be forgotten, made requests for new ones that the insecure parents obediently bought. Even worse, if the parents buy a toy the king or queen does not like, they get yelled at, thrown insults at, and jump into the car to get the right one, terrified that the little dictator will not like them. Companies play marketing tricks on parents’ insecurity by offering more and more toys and tons of plastic add up in landfills, ruining our common heritage – the environment – just because someone who has a kid does not want to say “no”. So, where is the kid that loves unconditionally?

Love normally includes respect. American kids, however, disrespect their parents severely, and the parents let them do it terrified that they may not get “unconditional” love if they bring the kid to order. I heard kids, starting at a very young age, disrespect parents in public places with unmentionable insults, “stupid” being the lightest of them. I have heard young kids talk back to their parents in such a shameless and aggressive way that a normal parent in any other culture would react immediately with proper punishment. I have read outrageous stories of very young kids abusing their parents verbally and physically (no, not teens with criminal backgrounds, but preschool and early elementary school kids of middle and upper middle class parents), with parents doing nothing to counteract it, just complaining about it. I was appalled to see kids actually beat their parents in public places with no reaction on the adults’ side. So, does unconditional love really involve verbal and physical abuse?

In so many societies around the world, parents teach and train their kids strictly. They make demands and requests, they make the kids work, they punish the kids for any attempt of disobedience and disrespect, they are never at kids’ whim, to not kowtow to them, do not obey kids’ orders (kids would never dare to give orders to adults, they may only kindly ask), they would never let a kid talk back to them, not to mention a kid hitting an adult. Those kids do not have expensive toys and happily rely on what they invent to play with. They do not have designer clothes, some of them barely have any hand-me-down clothes at all. They do not get candy bribes, extracurricular classes, or expensive vehicles with permanently unemployed mothers to drive the kids.

Yet, these kids are happy, polite, and respectful. They love and obey their parents, respect them and, in the lack of reliable social security systems, take good care of them when they get old (nursing homes in these societies are scarce or nonexistent). It is a result of parents’ wisdom in loving and disciplining the kids accordingly. It is the child rearing skills passed on from generation to generation, leaned by living one’s life in a participating society, without succumbing to any fads of “parenting styles” but also the confidence that results from these skills. These parents are not insecure or terrified that their kids will not like them. They are sure of their kids’ unconditional love which indeed has no conditions or requirements just as their parents and grandparents were sure and confident.

Love is not about bribing. If a bribe is needed to get something, it is corruption, not love, and by no means is it unconditional. Worshiping and bribing kids, putting them on a pedestal as the center of the universe, and kowtowing to them is harmful for both the kids and the society as a whole. It spoils the kids, makes them extremely rude, self-centered, and entitled. Just look around, this deplorable result is clearly visible (and especially audible) in all sorts of public places. Kids must be disciplined wisely, by responsible, confident adults not terrified or insecure that the kid will not like them. The unconditional love will follow as a result of the proper child rearing process.

American kids as the best birth control method

The cover story on childfree people in the Time magazine did what the childfree in this kid-obsessed country really needed: it triggered a lot of discussion on the subject and became an important milestone that contributes to a broad recognition of opting out of having a child as a valid choice of responsible people. Hopefully, it will mark the beginning of the end of the discrimination of the childfree. The article is somewhat shy in its attitude and a bit suppressed by the kid-obsessed culture, trying to pass a very important message without shocking the aggressive kid-worshiping crowd too much. Nonetheless, its importance should not be underestimated.

What the author did not acknowledge, whether because she is not aware of it or because she decided to assume the method of one step at a time and did not wish to be too shocking all at once, is the American kids’ extremely rude and unsanitary behavior that makes many people not to want to have a child. Other articles I read that followed in other media did not mention this reason either.

Childfree Americans, when asked by the media face to face about the reason for which they chose not to have a child, usually make shy comments like “no, don’t get me wrong, we don’t hate kids, we just don’t want any”, “I love kids, I just don’t want any of my own”, or “I like my life the way it is, no need to change it”. In many cases, of course, this is true and some people may indeed not have other reasons for being childfree. However, a quick glance at childfree forums is enough to notice that many people choose not to have children because the children’s rudeness and lack of hygiene they are exposed to in public places or in private homes is repulsive to them. They were harassed by the kid-worshiping, aggressive people into silence about it, but their true thoughts can be found thanks to the safety of anonymous online discussion forums.

Let’s face the facts: American kids are extremely rude, talk back to adults, do not respect the elderly, scream, yell and run wild in all sorts of public places, have no basic table manners, eat with open mouths, make a mess on and under the table, throw food around, keep their hands in their mouths and noses and touch objects and people subsequently, slobber all over everything, do not cover their coughs and sneezes, and the list could go on and on. Moreover, parents behave in a very unacceptable and unsanitary way by changing diapers around food, for example, on tables or in grocery shopping carts. This behavior is not normal and does not happen in respectful cultures but young Americans who do not travel or do not have immigrant friends cannot know it. This is what they are exposed to and this is what they think is standard behavior of a child. No wonder they find it discouraging.

Let’s look at it closer.

Public places in America are full of very rude, disrespectful kids. The level of their disruption is tremendous and unheard of in many other cultures I have lived in or traveled to. The worse of all is their ear-piercing screaming for no reason, as if someone was slicing them alive and also their running wild with absolutely no regard for other people. No, I am not talking about playgrounds. This happens in offices, restaurants, movie theaters, stations, airports, on airplanes, trains and buses, in stores, supermarkets and shopping malls. Even bookstores and libraries do not escape from this pattern. To make things worse, this behavior typically is not followed by any reaction of correction or discipline from the parents, businesses, or other members of the society. The atmosphere of kids’ impunity prevails, and they do not learn how to behave respectfully. This is not normal children’s behavior. Although in kid-obsessed America it is the standard, this behavior is not inherent to a child. It is the result of a parental failure.

All this behavior is easy to eradicate with the minimum of consistent teaching and training. However, I am not surprised that so many people got convinced that rudeness is in kids’ nature. If they do not know other cultures, and 99% of the kids they are exposed to are so rude, what other conclusion can they draw from the experience? No wonder they do not want someone screaming, talking back, and bouncing off the walls in their household.

Countless times I have seen kids making a total mess in restaurants. No, I do not mean babies, I mean older kids that should have been taught table manners long before. In kid-obsessed America, food scattered all over the table and under the table is nothing unusual. Parents fail to curb this behavior in respect of other customers. The stories of wait staff on childfree forums are appalling. These parents are also not any better in their homes or as guests in other people’s homes. Although this part I know only from other people’s stories; I am outraged by what parents and relatives allow kids to do: Throwing food around, at the walls and on the carpet, sneezing into a cake, taking a bite and putting that cookie back for other guests and spitting up food on the plate are only a few examples of horror stories from parties in American homes. I was appalled to read a story of an American mother who not only lets her kid throw noodles all around, including on the carpet, but does not even clean it immediately. She waits a day until they dry out and vacuums them. No wonder cockroaches are a plague in this country.

All the above is absolutely not normal childhood behavior. It is a failure to teach the kids basic respect and a total lack of respect for the guests. Children can be taught manners and in respectful cultures they get polite behavior instilled in them from a very young age. Moreover, every misbehavior is consequently curtailed by adults or older kids in the same second when it starts. However, how can young Americans know that if all they are exposed to is extreme lack of manners and no discipline? No wonder contact with children is the best birth control method to them: Who would want this kind of mess at home?

American kids are very disobedient, thus, managing them is much more difficult and time consuming then managing a higher number of children in the cultures in which they are taught obedience. I have never seen anyone in the cultures I know taking so much time packing their children to go out. I was never exposed to “tantrums” or “meltdowns” because they did not exist. Also, I have never seen parents begging their kids to comply with adults’ requests. Most parents I know manage their kids by giving simple commands and orders that the kids obey immediately. They get dressed, eat, and get packed into a car or into a stroller in no time. In kid-obsessed America, it takes forever because the kids disobey, throw tantrums, have meltdowns, or mess up their clothes on the way out and have to be changed. They are allowed to fuss about what to wear, what toys to take (and end up taking a truckload of them), run wild and yell, which makes getting ready a never ending story. As this is what Americans are exposed to, whether in person by being a guest, or in their friends’, coworkers, or relatives’ stories, they should not be blamed that they do not want kids. Who would want all this? They simply do not know that kids can be obedient and easily managed.

American childfree people often write online the following imperative statements: kids are messy, kids are rude, kids are disgusting, kids are noisy, and hundreds of other descriptive adjectives. This is what Americans see in their day-to-day life. It does work as the best birth control method. If this is all they see, not knowing that this behavior is abnormal and with the minimum of consequent (with an accent on “consequent”) effort every rudeness attempt can be eradicated, they will be abstaining from procreation in even larger numbers in the future.

Parents should not be surprised that seeing the disastrous results of their inordinate kid-worshiping incarnated in their disrespectful, entitled, and self-centered child, people opt out of parenthood. Instead of pointing their blaming fingers at the childfree, they should reconsider their own behavior, correct their failures, and show the younger generation entering their reproductive age that a child can be taught respect, politeness, and cleanliness.

A few words on heavily armored precious snowflakes

A couple of days ago I read a very interesting and inspiring article about kids’ bikes in America in the 1970s. After a memoir of the brands and types of bikes he and his friends rode as kids and of the fun they had, the author states something very thought-provoking: “Bruises, bumps, and bandages were like badges of honor, and I couldn’t wait to display mine on my trusty Schwinn Sting-Ray.”

Yes, that is so true. They were like badges of honor, like proof of the fun one had and like evidence of one’s strength and resistance to pain and hardship. In many societies in the world, they actually still are. When I travel across Africa, Asia, Latin America, and even many parts of Europe, I still see unarmored kids having fun riding bikes, playing soccer or other sports. They run in the streets and have fun. The parents do not excessively worry about them. The only conditions parents establish for their kids often are to be back home at a certain time, to have their homework done, and the most important, to respect the neighbors’ peaceful living (ear-piercing screaming like American kids make is unheard of and unacceptable, it is a sign of alarm, not fun).

I grew up the same way. As long as the weather allowed, after the homework and the chores were done, all the kids played soccer or biked outside. The parents did not spoil us with even basic equipment. We wore hand-me-downs, too large, too small, who would care? Only one kid on the block had a soccer ball. When he was away, we kicked a can or a bag stuffed with a rug and had just the same level of fun. No child ever wore any piece of armor, knee pads or elbow pads were unknown, and we would ridicule them anyway. Helmets were for motorcyclists or construction workers. Our soccer field was an abandoned piece of land with two rocks on each end instead of the goals. This way we learned quite a bit of negotiation skills in determining whether the ball hit the imaginary crossbar and never had a fight over it. As a goalie, I caught the ball barehanded until I found a pair of oversized, cement-stained gloves abandoned by a worker. This was actually the only piece of body protection equipment any of us ever used. My gloves soon became a legend, even among adults, and I was praised for creativity. None of my relatives would ever think about replacing them with sports store gloves.

When we were playing outside and the volume was getting a little too high, the neighbor living next to the soccer field came out to bring us to order. All of us apologized and obeyed. We knew very well that there would be no other warning, that he would go to our parents, and they would make sure that we never forgot the day we brought shame on them. We learned and showed respect; thanks to the adults’ consistency in disciplining us. I cannot imagine an average American parent getting over him or herself and letting other adults bring their worshiped princes and princesses to order or make their kid apologize for any wrongdoing. They are way too aggressive and entitled, which is harmful for both the kids growing up with the sense of impunity and for the society that is exposed to the spoiled and disrespectful kids.

I am very sorry for those heavily armored American kids out there (knee pads, helmets, elbow pads) as if they were going to fight a war, not to play. American parents are so obsessed about their precious snowflakes that their kids became socially disabled and unadjusted. They do not learn to live a normal life. The parents are doing them a serious disservice by depriving them of a valuable learning opportunity. If the kids are treated as if they were made of gold and diamonds, no wonder they are so entitled and think they are the center of the universe. When bruises, scratched knees, and bumps resulting from kids’ playing become not only a reason to panic, but also an excuse to sue, this is a sign that something in this kid-obsessed society has gone seriously wrong and needs rethinking and reconsidering, at the very least.

Companies’ marketing experts skillfully tricked parents into buying all that armor and make money off of their obsessions. Parents had an option to say “no” and let them go out of business, but in their kid-obsession and unreasonable overconcern, they chose to buy all the armor possible for their precious snowflakes. Who will make money next? Therapists hired to treat post-bruise and post-knee-scratch trauma?

When I was a kid, bruises and scratched knees were a normal part of life, children were proud of not crying over them and parents did not even comment on them. Excess blood, a bad deep cut that needed stitches, or a broken bone were the reasons to get adults’ attention and go to a doctor. When a toddler fell, an adult or an older child did not run for rescue, but said instead: “did you catch the rabbit (a falling kid looks like it is trying to catch something on the ground)? Where is the bunny, escaped? Well, you will catch it next time” or “it will heal by your wedding date”. A child, starting to cry, calmed down instantly hearing this, a smile soon appeared, and it learned that a scratched knee is no reason for worry. No child ever wore any piece of armor and no adult would ever think about depriving his or her child of the valuable opportunity of learning life. American parents panic when a toddler falls, make a big deal about it even if nothing happens, and it is their panic and excess worry that actually scares the child and makes it cry. This kid-centered, overconcerned approach is wrong and harmful.

I was shocked to read about an American woman who brought a kid with a scratched knee to the emergency room. I hope the staff had a great laugh after she had left. I was also shocked to see a women in one of the American city suburb-like, quiet neighborhoods walking on the street with an approximately one year old child strapped to her chest and wearing a helmet. Why would a kid need a helmet is beyond my comprehension. There was no hail forecast for that day. Would it be to protect the precious snowflake’s designer hairstyle from bird poop? How bad does it have to get for this kid-obsession trend to reverse?

“When I was a kid, and so on….”, someone would say about the nostalgia of  the good old times, right? Wrong. When I visit the area where I grew up, regardless of the development and acquired relative wealth, kids are still playing in the streets, still playing respectfully (no excess noise, absolutely no yelling), and are still unarmored. Parents are still reasonable, not making a big deal over a bump or bruise, and disciplining their kids whenever necessary. They still do not protest when someone else brings their kid to order, as long as the kid deserves it. They still do not spoil their kids with too much equipment. All items to armor a kid are available in sports stores. People do not buy them because they are simply reasonable and not overconcerned. They want to teach their kids life. My parents’ generation grew up this way, and they turned to be respectful, self-reliant people, courageous and brave to bring the change that was most needed. My generation grew up this way, and we turned to be respectful, self-reliant people building stability, success, and growth. The next generation is being raised to be respectful and self-reliant as well.

I am also pleased to travel to many countries where children have the opportunity to grow up learning life, not being overprotected or overstimulated, but are very skillful in making toys out of anything: a stick, a can, an old tire, are happy and joyful, but also respectful and well adjusted to living in a society. Americans would greatly benefit by learning from these societies.

Why are American parents so aggressive?

When I was a child, I loved animals (and still love them), especially the little ones of all species. My mother once told me: “Do not approach a female animal when she has her puppies or kittens, she may scratch or bite you because she may think you want to hurt them”. No animal has ever bitten or scratched me, and I did not understand my mother’s warning until I moved to kid-obsessed America and had my first encounters with aggressive parents of extremely rude kids.

In a respectful society, if you point out child’s inappropriate behavior, it is an incredible shame for the parents that they failed to teach it respect so terribly, that a stranger has to request them to impose order. They apologize to the stranger and discipline the kid immediately. These situations do not happen too often because kids are generally polite and only on rare occasions strangers have to intervene, but shame, apology and discipline are a typical reaction.

In kid-obsessed America it is the opposite. Parents do not want to admit their failure. They refuse to admit their kids’ rude or offensive behavior. They consider their kids the center of the universe entitled to do whatever they want, wherever they want, and to whoever they want, and turn very belligerent in defense of this undue entitlement.

For example, if you request them to do something as basic as make the kid stop yelling (not crying, just yelling out of its whim) in public transportation or in a waiting room, instead of politely complying, they turn hostile. If you request them to hold their kid running up and down the aisles in a restaurant or on a plane, instead of apologizing for their failure, grabbing the kid and putting in a seat, they become aggressive.

There are some regional differences between the above described Northeastern United States plus California and, for example, Texas. Texans, when asked to bring their kid to order, comply, with that “o.k., o.k.”, pronounced in a sulky tone as if they were doing you a huge favor. However, they still fail to admit their fault or failure and do not apologize or do not make the child apologize for the disruption they caused.

Why is it so?

One of the reasons certainly is self-centeredness of both the parent and the child. The parent was worshiped as a kid by kid-centered parents and society, and grew up with the sense of entitlement of someone who is the center of the universe. The kid is currently awed and glorified the same way or worse, and the pugnacious parent defends the kid’s usurped “right” to overtake all the public space with no regard to other people.

Another reason is a simple lack of manners. Ill-mannered people raised ill-mannered children and overreact when their lack of manners is pointed out.

There is one basic difference between the female animals my mother referred to and American parents: the former defend their offspring when it faces real danger and the later get hostile with no reason, out of simple entitlement.

The result is lamentable. The hostile reactions to kind requests for respect harassed polite people into silence. Pugnacious parents throw their weight around and other passengers or customers became too scared to demand the minimum of respect. This is very harmful to the whole society, but also to these kids themselves. Instead of learning peaceful and respectful coexistence, they learn that they are the dictators in all places, for all people, which leads to deplorable results.

People should not be afraid of pointing out rudeness and demanding respect. The belligerent parents may be initially very aggressive, but when encounter resistance, they give in. Their favorite attack to a polite request is yelling “mind your own business!”, which gives in to a simple, calm but strict “this is exactly what I am doing; it is my business to be respected by your kid and you must make it quiet / make it stop touching me / hold it, right now!”

After the first couple of times I was shocked to encounter a hostile “mind your own business!” reaction instead of a respectful and ashamed apology, and left speechless. However, the next time I had a ready answer, and I assure you, it really works. I tested it on the most aggressive and spoiled Manhattanites. Do not be afraid to demand your rights to be respected.