Tag Archives: car

The unconditional love myth

Childfree people in America often get nagged by those with kids about unconditional love. People who have kids imply in a very intrusive way that if their interlocutors choose not to have a kid, nobody will love them unconditionally. “Who will love you unconditionally?” or “You will never know what unconditional love is” it goes. But do American parents really experience unconditional love from their kids? Their behavior shows that they not only do not, but the kids’ love, if any, is strongly conditioned by bribes and concessions from their parents.

Seeing American parents kowtowing to their kids throws a shadow of doubt on their unconditional love statements. Do they really believe it, in spite of their behavior that proves the contrary? If so, they must be really naive. Do they not see that what they call “unconditional love” actually depends on constant bribing and catering to the kid?

It is very easy to observe anywhere in public places that American parents are scared that their kids will not love or even like them. They do not make any demands for proper and respectful behavior for fear that their precious snowflake will not like it and, in turn, not like the parent who made the demand. They beg the kid instead of giving clear and strict orders and put themselves at the mercy of the spoiled, bratty kid. “Please, please, would you please, you are hurting my feelings, please do not scream this much, do not hurt my feelings, please, please, please” is their way of telling a two or three year old to stop ear-piercing screaming in a public place where silence is a standard required behavior. “Keep quiet”, “stop it” or “quiet, right now!” with a strict, serious face (and an immediate smile after the kid complies) is enough to get a normal, well-trained kid to comply, and this is what millions of people all around the world successfully do. However, Americans not only lack those skills, they are also too insecure and have a constant need to kowtow to the kid for fear it will not love them. So, where is the unconditional love?

American parents do not require the kid to eat what they decide is good for it but give it too many choices, often unhealthy, and let the kid that is too young to make such decisions eat whatever it wants, just because it wants to. Wherever food is served, it is easy to notice frequent scenes of this kind. I also remember an article published quite a few years ago about a woman from California (actually occurred before the more recent case in San Francisco) who started an action to ban within the whole town a fast food meal choice that included a toy just because her two year old kid was harassing her (her own term) to buy it. This behavior is not only a terrible lack of child-rearing skills and the spine to say “no”, but also the mother’s insecurity that the kid will not love her. So, is this the unconditional love?

Americans stuff their kids’ mouths with candy bribes whenever they can and at a single kid’s whim. They fulfill kids’ orders obediently and immediately. They buy tons of toys just because the deity kid requested them, played with them for a short time, and after dumping them in a far corner to be forgotten, made requests for new ones that the insecure parents obediently bought. Even worse, if the parents buy a toy the king or queen does not like, they get yelled at, thrown insults at, and jump into the car to get the right one, terrified that the little dictator will not like them. Companies play marketing tricks on parents’ insecurity by offering more and more toys and tons of plastic add up in landfills, ruining our common heritage – the environment – just because someone who has a kid does not want to say “no”. So, where is the kid that loves unconditionally?

Love normally includes respect. American kids, however, disrespect their parents severely, and the parents let them do it terrified that they may not get “unconditional” love if they bring the kid to order. I heard kids, starting at a very young age, disrespect parents in public places with unmentionable insults, “stupid” being the lightest of them. I have heard young kids talk back to their parents in such a shameless and aggressive way that a normal parent in any other culture would react immediately with proper punishment. I have read outrageous stories of very young kids abusing their parents verbally and physically (no, not teens with criminal backgrounds, but preschool and early elementary school kids of middle and upper middle class parents), with parents doing nothing to counteract it, just complaining about it. I was appalled to see kids actually beat their parents in public places with no reaction on the adults’ side. So, does unconditional love really involve verbal and physical abuse?

In so many societies around the world, parents teach and train their kids strictly. They make demands and requests, they make the kids work, they punish the kids for any attempt of disobedience and disrespect, they are never at kids’ whim, to not kowtow to them, do not obey kids’ orders (kids would never dare to give orders to adults, they may only kindly ask), they would never let a kid talk back to them, not to mention a kid hitting an adult. Those kids do not have expensive toys and happily rely on what they invent to play with. They do not have designer clothes, some of them barely have any hand-me-down clothes at all. They do not get candy bribes, extracurricular classes, or expensive vehicles with permanently unemployed mothers to drive the kids.

Yet, these kids are happy, polite, and respectful. They love and obey their parents, respect them and, in the lack of reliable social security systems, take good care of them when they get old (nursing homes in these societies are scarce or nonexistent). It is a result of parents’ wisdom in loving and disciplining the kids accordingly. It is the child rearing skills passed on from generation to generation, leaned by living one’s life in a participating society, without succumbing to any fads of “parenting styles” but also the confidence that results from these skills. These parents are not insecure or terrified that their kids will not like them. They are sure of their kids’ unconditional love which indeed has no conditions or requirements just as their parents and grandparents were sure and confident.

Love is not about bribing. If a bribe is needed to get something, it is corruption, not love, and by no means is it unconditional. Worshiping and bribing kids, putting them on a pedestal as the center of the universe, and kowtowing to them is harmful for both the kids and the society as a whole. It spoils the kids, makes them extremely rude, self-centered, and entitled. Just look around, this deplorable result is clearly visible (and especially audible) in all sorts of public places. Kids must be disciplined wisely, by responsible, confident adults not terrified or insecure that the kid will not like them. The unconditional love will follow as a result of the proper child rearing process.

The unspoken permission that allows changing diapers around food

In respectful societies, the intimate, but abominable activity of changing diapers is performed discretely, in the privacy of a restroom stall, a special room, or another place where no outsider would be exposed to its nauseating smell or germs. Respectful and responsible parents plan their outings accordingly, as to limit the necessity of doing it outside of their home.

In kid-obsessed America, parents not only change diapers in public, in the plain view and to the disgust of other customers, but they seem especially likely to do it around food: on restaurant and cafe tables, on park tables commonly used by nearby office employees to eat lunch on, in airport food courts, on counters, or in grocery store shopping carts.

The first time I have seen (and especially smelled) changing a diaper in public was in an upscale department store’s restroom, where a changing table was located in plain view of other users of the said facility, without a stall. I was nauseated all day long after this experience. In the months to come, I learned that installing baby changing stations without stalls is a common practice of American businesses oblivious to the disgust of other customers using the same restroom. I was shocked! I do my business discretely and respectfully in private in a stall designated for it. Baby poop does not smell like roses either, and its place should be in a stall as well. However, the worst was only about to come. In the restrooms, there is at least no food.

I was left speechless when I first saw a woman changing a baby on a table in a restaurant in Manhattan. Luckily, I was not inside; I was just walking by, looking into display windows with my usual curiosity. The people inside did not react, neither did the staff watching the show from a distance from which it was impossible to miss. The other customers’ faces did not look too pleased, on some of them I could actually see disgust, but they did nothing. There was another lesson for me to learn later on: that people are too afraid to point out the rudeness, harassed into silence by parents’ hostility when their unacceptable behavior does get pointed out.

Overall, I saw diaper changing on tables or a parent putting a kid wearing a diaper only (no pants) on a counter where food is served, around twenty times. Manhattan is not the only place where I saw it, and white, wealthy people (assuming by their dress) are not the only violators, although they slightly prevail in number over people of all other ethnicities and income ranges in the multiple states that I saw this happen. Nobody ever protested. When I told my non-American friends about it, they were outraged and most of them said they would never visit this unsanitary country.

The most shocking fact is that it happens also in those places where you could get to only by car, which means all customers have a vehicle to do it in, yet they choose to disrespect other patrons and expose them to a health hazard. Also, it mostly happens in entertainment places like cafes or restaurants where people go for pleasure rather than for a life saving service, which means disrespectful people with little kids have no emergency to stay in these places, and if they do, they must respect other patrons.

A recent (a few weeks ago) situation of changing a diaper at a cafe is also a good example. A woman was changing a kid in the dining area. The staff, instead of strictly requiring this couple to leave immediately, gave them a rag to clean up but let them stay. The kid’s father became aggressive and the police had to be called. The media covered the case widely but no article ever mentioned whether any of the other customers left offended, which leads me to believe that, as usual, they stayed and did nothing. The management totally failed in handling the problem. They apologized to the violator couple instead apologizing publicly to other customers that were exposed to this disgusting show. I was astonished to read the comments under the articles: the overwhelming majority of them came from people disgusted by the idea of changing diapers in a dining area, many of them parents of young children who declared that they would never do that. Why don’t they then protest when something that unacceptable happens?

Another problem is kids in diapers (the idea of not putting pants on a kid taken to a public place is disgusting by itself and hot weather is not an excuse) in grocery stores’ shopping carts. A surprise can fall out of the diaper at any moment and the scientists verified that in way too many cases it indeed does. According to the research done by the University of Arizona, fecal bacteria were found in 72% of the carts. Pictures of people changing diapers in shopping carts can be found online. Other customers are clearly disgusted by this habit, yet they prefer to take a picture and post it in the Internet rather than bring the problem to the attention of the store management and require them to remove the parent as well as to report a health hazard to proper authorities. The stores do not clean the carts. They offer disinfectant wipes as an excuse, thus, implicitly telling their customers: be our free cleaners, wipe other people’s kids’ fecal matter. This is simply unacceptable.

I have never seen this kind of parents’ behavior in any other country, not even in those countries where most people use public transportation, thus have no car to change the baby in. They simply plan their outings between changing needs, leave the kid at home or in day care, or invite their friends home instead of going to a cafe. In America, where most people go everywhere by car, it is unacceptable that changing diapers around food happens. No changing table at a restaurant is a poor excuse; parents should call in advance and check whether the venue offers the facility or not. They should also stop their entitlement approach and remember that changing stations are offered by businesses as a courtesy, not a must. If it is not available, that means the business caters more to adult clientele and this choice should be respected.

Changing diapers around food as well as installing changing stations without stalls should be illegal. It is a serious health hazard. There should be high fines imposed for it on both the parents and the companies on whose premises this happens. Businesses should remove unsanitary people with unsanitary kids as a minimum care for their customers’ health, and as a minimum of respect for them.

The most appalling point of this story is that people are disgusted by the practice of changing diapers around food, yet they give the unspoken permission to do it by not protesting whenever they find themselves around it. If you do not protest, you are contributing to this unacceptable behavior. You should reprimand the restaurant or cafe management, strictly require them to remove the violating parent and inform them that you will never spend money there again. There is nothing that hurts the businesses more then losing profit, and treating your credit card as your voter’s card is the best you can do.

Also, report a health hazard to proper authorities. They differ from state to state. The office can be located under either health, business, or agriculture departments. The easiest way to find them is to Google: “how to report unsanitary conditions + your state”. They often have easy to fill online report forms, or special phone numbers for reporting. Do not forget that someone’s health may depend on your report.

Do not shy away, do not let belligerent parents harass you into silence, do not fall into unjustified guilt. You are not doing anything wrong: it is the parent who is the wrongdoer. Protesting against or reporting changing diapers around food is no different than reporting theft – it is your clear “no” said to wrongdoing. Do not give your unspoken permission for unsanitary and inconsiderate behavior in public places.

Why are American kids so unsanitary?

American children are very unsanitary. They cough and sneeze without covering their mouths, they drool and spit, hold their hands in their mouths and touch objects, or people right afterwards with hands sticky of saliva, they lick public objects, they throw food all around, they urinate in public pools, or take a bite of food from a buffet available to other customers and put it back to the container. This list could be much longer. I am leaving out public diaper changing as this subject deserves a post of its own.

I hear from many Americans, those offended by this kind of behavior, that kids are simply disgusting. They say it (or write it online, as most often they are too afraid of saying anything face to face) the way that implies that all kids are simply gross. This is not true, but these people were apparently not exposed to other cultures, and they do not know that children can act much better. Kids are not unsanitary by nature. They are so only when adults fail to teach them otherwise. Unfortunately, the said failure happens way too often in kid-obsessed America, so it is very easy to draw a conclusion that all kids are unsanitary by people who have never traveled to other countries.

The reasons for failure to meet basic hygienic standards by American children are simple:

Parents fail to teach them and enforce proper standards of behavior both at home and in public places.
People offended or disgusted by unsanitary behavior fail to require parents to bring the kid to order or to report this behavior to proper authorities.
Businesses fail to enforce strict hygienic standards on their premises and fail to remove parents and kids that do not abide by these standards.

Countless times I have seen kids in America sneezing right into fruit or vegetables in supermarkets. At first, it was too shocking to me to do anything. I just stood there, my jaw dropped to the floor, as I have never seen such behavior in any other society before. Worse, the staff was there, observing it and doing nothing. At that time I had no idea what public institutions have the authority to inspect and fine businesses for unacceptable hygienic standards. Now I know where to report it, and I also require the management to impose order.

Another time, later on, a kid behind me in line at the supermarket drooled copiously on the conveyor belt where customers put their food to check it out, and the cashier did nothing about it. I cancelled my credit card transaction, and left a cart full of products right there, informing the worker about the reason for my dissatisfaction. Now, knowing better how things work in America, I would rather inform the management and the owner about why they lost my business forever. The place where this incident occurred was a health food store, or rather a germ food store; if they label themselves as “health”, they should keep healthy standards.

Another example: at a farmers market, a woman arrived with a kid that sprung wild out of the car, ran right to the stand with strawberries, and touched all of them with hands taken right out of the still drooling mouth. The farmer did nothing: Did not bring the kid to order, did not require the woman who failed to supervise the kid to buy all of them and did not throw them away. They were most likely sold to the next customer, together with the germs. Back then, I only informed the farmer that I will not spend money on her products for this reason. If this happened now, I would have taken her car’s license plate and informed proper authorities about her failure to ensure hygienic standards of the food products she sells.

I will not list all those times on the New York City Subway or NJ Transit when kids sneezed on people, touched them with dirty hands sticky from snots, kept dirty feet on seats, or licked the poles people hold on to, and their guardians did nothing about it. This behavior is simply selfish, as it threatens public health.

I also read about many cases of kids spitting into buffets, or taking a bite of food and putting it back, with the staff standing nearby, and doing nothing. This is unacceptable, and if you see something similar, you should take the steps listed below. Now I do it, too. It took me some time to get out of the shock when seeing this kind of behavior and to learn proper reporting procedures, but now I always take an action; simply taking other people’s health into account: someone who comes after me may not see what I saw and buy the contaminated food product. It is selfish not to take an action.

There is a lot that adults can do to teach the kids sanitary behavior, and millions of people all around the world succeed in training children, without even putting much thought into it. They do it because this is the way they grew up, and this is the way everyone around them does it. Kids, starting at the youngest age, one to two, are perfectly teachable and trainable to meet the standards of basic respect and hygiene. It is enough to simply grab the hand the kid puts into its mouth, take it out and say, in a strict and short manner: “don’t do it”, or take its hand when it starts coughing, bring it to its mouth and cover it, saying firmly “cover your mouth”. Clear and short requests are the key here. If you do it consistently two or three times, I guarantee the kid will learn.

At this point, Americans will, as usual, claim that their bundle of germs (the kid) of this age does not understand neither the teachings nor orders. True, but understanding is irrelevant at this point. A child does not have to understand it at all, it just needs to develop a good habit, or quit the bad habit automatically. With proper training, good habits will become second nature very soon, just like breathing air. Understanding respect and hygiene will come later on an adequate level of maturity. Kids are smart and learn quickly. Unfortunately, American parents greatly underestimate these abilities, and end up having rude and unsanitary kids.

In my elementary school, kids were punished by teachers for unhygienic behavior, and rejected by other kids for the same reason. It did not happen too often because, by the time we went to school, parents, relatives, and day care teachers taught us how to behave respectfully in a society. However, if an accident of forgetfulness occasionally happened, we could always count on the teachers or other children for corrections.

Some people may claim: “but there are so many adults sneezing or coughing without covering their mouths, or doing other disgusting things”. This is the sad truth, but this happens because their parents failed to teach them respectful habits when they were kids, later on their school failed to correct their parents’ failure, and the society failed to protest against their rudeness. Teach the kids respect and they will grow up to be respectful adults.

What can all of us do to eradicate unsanitary kids’ behavior?

Require the parent or sitter to respect us and bring the kid to order, and do it strictly, do not accept the “it’s just a kid” excuse. Remember: kids are teachable from the very early ages.
Require the business management to enforce proper sanitary standards, and remove the violator, if necessary. If the manager talks back, justifies unsanitary behavior, or does not seem to see anything wrong about it, report it to the owner. If you spend money there, imagine that your credit card is your voter’s card. You can make a difference.
Report lack or violation of sanitary standards, especially in food handling businesses, to proper authorities. Since I learned the proper authorities in charge of food safety, I do it every time I see a violation. These authorities differ from state to state. It can be health, business, or agriculture departments. The easiest way to find them is to Google: “how to report unsanitary conditions + your state”. They often have easy to fill online report forms, or special phone numbers for reporting. Do not forget that someone’s health may depend on your report.

Do not be afraid to point out the unacceptable behavior. I know they told you throughout all your life that kids are sacred. They are not, and if they are doing something wrong, it is your right to require to end the violation.

If the above cases of failure to comply with minimum hygienic standards happened in other countries, i.e. in many of the European countries, the businesses would make the parent pay for all the items contaminated by the kid. Also, the customers would report the unsanitary behavior to the authorities, and the businesses would pay huge fines. Whether the sanitary standards in America remain as low as they are, or get better depends on you. You should not hesitate to react.