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The magic word “no”

Children need clear, strict, and consistently enforced boundaries. With limitations and forbidden areas, they learn politeness and respect, get to know their place in the society (which in a healthy society is not on a pedestal, it is much lower than that), as well as stay clear of accidents and injuries. With proper enforcement of the boundaries, kids are able to learn all this at a very young age, more or less together with learning to speak their first language. In responsible societies, parents, relatives, siblings, and other people teach and enforce the boundaries using the magic word “no”, which seems nonexistent in kid-obsessed America, to the detriment to the kids, but also to the society as a whole.

American kids do not know what “no” means because most of the time they do not hear this word from their parents. If, however, a parent occasionally says “no”, he or she does not enforce it. This leads to two situations: the child does not learn what “no” means or it knows the meaning of the term but without proper enforcement grows in an atmosphere of impunity.

The best example from kid-worshiping America is saying that children throw food around as if it was an inherent characteristic and allowing them to do that not only at their everyday meals, but also in front of guests or in restaurants. Actually, kids do that only when their parents fail to teach them basic manners, and the society fails to enforce these manners in public places. It is very easy to eradicate the bad habit of throwing food. It is enough to grab the child’s hand, strong enough that it feels the adult’s power, but light enough that it does not get hurt, and say: “no”, “don’t”, “don’t do that” in the first second when the kid starts throwing it and every time it attempts throwing anything. It is not necessary to repeat the trick many times, twice or three times is enough for the child to kiss the bad habit goodbye. Kids are much smarter than Americans think. If proper teaching and discipline are instilled in them in their early toddlerhood, they will never forget it, just like riding a bicycle. It will become as natural as breathing air. I practiced it many times, at many occasions, all the relatives and neighbors as well, and millions of people all around the world do it too, successfully. There is no reason for Americans to be excused from using the magic word “no” in relation to the kid.

The same problem exists with obnoxious kids running wild and screaming in restaurants, stores, banks, or offices all over America. When in respectful and responsible societies, any attempt of this kind of behavior encounters a strict and firm “no”, Americans let their kids do whatever they want, no matter how offensive it is towards other customers or how much it disrupts other people’s work. Part of the problem is the parents’ obsessive fear that their spoiled precious snowflake will not love them unconditionally, but part of it is simple laziness and disrespect for all of the other users of the public space. It is very easy and effective to say: “no”, “don’t”, “don’t do that” in the first second when the unacceptable behavior starts, grab the kid, and strictly enforce it. However, American parents fail terribly to do it. Even if they occasionally mumble a faint “don’t run” when their spoiled brat nearly bumps into a waiter with hot drinks, they fail to enforce it. Instead of grabbing the kid and putting it on a seat to show it what “don’t run” means, they let it continue running wild, and the child does not even learn what “don’t run” means.

There are many, many situations in which American parents totally fail to say “no” and prevent their kids from offending other people, exposing other people to germs, disrupting somebody’s work or rest or from damaging somebody else’s property. They let their kids slobber on the produce in supermarkets, they let them take a bite of food from a buffet container and put it back for other customers to take, they let them destroy goods in stores, or let them yell and scream wildly on public transportation, to name just a few examples. They also buy tons of useless toys the deity kid requests that will damage our common heritage – the environment by ending up in landfills. They even damage their kids’ health by buying whatever junk food the kid wants, just because it wants. Saying “no” and enforcing it would not only stop the behavior but also teach the kids not to attempt it in the future. It would teach them that they are not alone in this world and that other people around them have to be respected. Unfortunately, without hearing “no” whenever necessary, American kids turn out totally rude, entitled and self-centered, unadjusted, and unable to live in a society without disrespecting it.

In all these and similar situations American parents use the excuse that they are trying so hard, while their actions (or rather inactions) show that they are not trying at all. They do not use the simple word “no” that would easily curb all kinds of disrespectful and undesired kids’ behavior as soon as it starts.

But it does take a village. It takes a parent to discipline a kid, but it also takes a responsible, participating society to enforce the rules and, if necessary, in case of a child’s transgression of the rules or a parent’s failure to impose order, to strictly require a parent or guardian to use the magic word “no” in relation to a disrespectful, disruptive kid. People offended by an unacceptable kid’s behavior should not be afraid to intervene whenever necessary. When the parents fail, the society has a right and duty to take action.

American kids as the best birth control method

The cover story on childfree people in the Time magazine did what the childfree in this kid-obsessed country really needed: it triggered a lot of discussion on the subject and became an important milestone that contributes to a broad recognition of opting out of having a child as a valid choice of responsible people. Hopefully, it will mark the beginning of the end of the discrimination of the childfree. The article is somewhat shy in its attitude and a bit suppressed by the kid-obsessed culture, trying to pass a very important message without shocking the aggressive kid-worshiping crowd too much. Nonetheless, its importance should not be underestimated.

What the author did not acknowledge, whether because she is not aware of it or because she decided to assume the method of one step at a time and did not wish to be too shocking all at once, is the American kids’ extremely rude and unsanitary behavior that makes many people not to want to have a child. Other articles I read that followed in other media did not mention this reason either.

Childfree Americans, when asked by the media face to face about the reason for which they chose not to have a child, usually make shy comments like “no, don’t get me wrong, we don’t hate kids, we just don’t want any”, “I love kids, I just don’t want any of my own”, or “I like my life the way it is, no need to change it”. In many cases, of course, this is true and some people may indeed not have other reasons for being childfree. However, a quick glance at childfree forums is enough to notice that many people choose not to have children because the children’s rudeness and lack of hygiene they are exposed to in public places or in private homes is repulsive to them. They were harassed by the kid-worshiping, aggressive people into silence about it, but their true thoughts can be found thanks to the safety of anonymous online discussion forums.

Let’s face the facts: American kids are extremely rude, talk back to adults, do not respect the elderly, scream, yell and run wild in all sorts of public places, have no basic table manners, eat with open mouths, make a mess on and under the table, throw food around, keep their hands in their mouths and noses and touch objects and people subsequently, slobber all over everything, do not cover their coughs and sneezes, and the list could go on and on. Moreover, parents behave in a very unacceptable and unsanitary way by changing diapers around food, for example, on tables or in grocery shopping carts. This behavior is not normal and does not happen in respectful cultures but young Americans who do not travel or do not have immigrant friends cannot know it. This is what they are exposed to and this is what they think is standard behavior of a child. No wonder they find it discouraging.

Let’s look at it closer.

Public places in America are full of very rude, disrespectful kids. The level of their disruption is tremendous and unheard of in many other cultures I have lived in or traveled to. The worse of all is their ear-piercing screaming for no reason, as if someone was slicing them alive and also their running wild with absolutely no regard for other people. No, I am not talking about playgrounds. This happens in offices, restaurants, movie theaters, stations, airports, on airplanes, trains and buses, in stores, supermarkets and shopping malls. Even bookstores and libraries do not escape from this pattern. To make things worse, this behavior typically is not followed by any reaction of correction or discipline from the parents, businesses, or other members of the society. The atmosphere of kids’ impunity prevails, and they do not learn how to behave respectfully. This is not normal children’s behavior. Although in kid-obsessed America it is the standard, this behavior is not inherent to a child. It is the result of a parental failure.

All this behavior is easy to eradicate with the minimum of consistent teaching and training. However, I am not surprised that so many people got convinced that rudeness is in kids’ nature. If they do not know other cultures, and 99% of the kids they are exposed to are so rude, what other conclusion can they draw from the experience? No wonder they do not want someone screaming, talking back, and bouncing off the walls in their household.

Countless times I have seen kids making a total mess in restaurants. No, I do not mean babies, I mean older kids that should have been taught table manners long before. In kid-obsessed America, food scattered all over the table and under the table is nothing unusual. Parents fail to curb this behavior in respect of other customers. The stories of wait staff on childfree forums are appalling. These parents are also not any better in their homes or as guests in other people’s homes. Although this part I know only from other people’s stories; I am outraged by what parents and relatives allow kids to do: Throwing food around, at the walls and on the carpet, sneezing into a cake, taking a bite and putting that cookie back for other guests and spitting up food on the plate are only a few examples of horror stories from parties in American homes. I was appalled to read a story of an American mother who not only lets her kid throw noodles all around, including on the carpet, but does not even clean it immediately. She waits a day until they dry out and vacuums them. No wonder cockroaches are a plague in this country.

All the above is absolutely not normal childhood behavior. It is a failure to teach the kids basic respect and a total lack of respect for the guests. Children can be taught manners and in respectful cultures they get polite behavior instilled in them from a very young age. Moreover, every misbehavior is consequently curtailed by adults or older kids in the same second when it starts. However, how can young Americans know that if all they are exposed to is extreme lack of manners and no discipline? No wonder contact with children is the best birth control method to them: Who would want this kind of mess at home?

American kids are very disobedient, thus, managing them is much more difficult and time consuming then managing a higher number of children in the cultures in which they are taught obedience. I have never seen anyone in the cultures I know taking so much time packing their children to go out. I was never exposed to “tantrums” or “meltdowns” because they did not exist. Also, I have never seen parents begging their kids to comply with adults’ requests. Most parents I know manage their kids by giving simple commands and orders that the kids obey immediately. They get dressed, eat, and get packed into a car or into a stroller in no time. In kid-obsessed America, it takes forever because the kids disobey, throw tantrums, have meltdowns, or mess up their clothes on the way out and have to be changed. They are allowed to fuss about what to wear, what toys to take (and end up taking a truckload of them), run wild and yell, which makes getting ready a never ending story. As this is what Americans are exposed to, whether in person by being a guest, or in their friends’, coworkers, or relatives’ stories, they should not be blamed that they do not want kids. Who would want all this? They simply do not know that kids can be obedient and easily managed.

American childfree people often write online the following imperative statements: kids are messy, kids are rude, kids are disgusting, kids are noisy, and hundreds of other descriptive adjectives. This is what Americans see in their day-to-day life. It does work as the best birth control method. If this is all they see, not knowing that this behavior is abnormal and with the minimum of consequent (with an accent on “consequent”) effort every rudeness attempt can be eradicated, they will be abstaining from procreation in even larger numbers in the future.

Parents should not be surprised that seeing the disastrous results of their inordinate kid-worshiping incarnated in their disrespectful, entitled, and self-centered child, people opt out of parenthood. Instead of pointing their blaming fingers at the childfree, they should reconsider their own behavior, correct their failures, and show the younger generation entering their reproductive age that a child can be taught respect, politeness, and cleanliness.

Why are Americans unable to raise children?

Americans totally fail to raise their children. This is a fact that can be easily verified by spending a few minutes in any public place in America. Their kids are extremely rude, noisy, entitled, self-centered, and very unsanitary. These characteristics are so common that many people who have never lived in other cultures and were not exposed to polite, well raised children nor to a successful child-rearing process think that they are inherent to all children. No, they are not. They are a result of a parental failure and the easiest way to corroborate it is to spend some time in those societies that yield polite and respectful kids, for example, in sub-Saharan Africa, and compare.

In most societies around the world, people grow up in overcrowded housing developments exposed to relatives’ and neighbors’ kids every day and participate in raising them every day, just as their parents and grandparents once did. As kids are omnipresent, they interact with them a lot while still being kids themselves, they watch the adults discipline and punish younger children and repeat their actions in similar circumstances, learning this way how to raise them. They know when to discipline and punish a child and how: they also know how and at what occasion to praise it. They know what the desirable standard of behavior is as they were brought up to this standard themselves, and they see younger children being consistently brought up to the same standard. They know what behavior is unacceptable as they were disciplined and punished for this behavior and they see younger children being consistently disciplined and punished for exactly the same.

In these societies there are no “parenting styles”, “parenting experts”, or “parenting classes”. People learn all child-related skills while simply living their lives, and usually they learn it before puberty. They do not over-intellectualize the child-rearing process and apply what they have learned while participating in raising other “village” children. Yes, it does take a village, and in village-like, participating societies people have child-rearing skills and lots of experience before they actually have a child of their own.

American kids grow up in the luxury of separate homes, with their parents only, and are deprived of this valuable experience. They are not exposed to child-rearing processes, and the few of them who have much younger siblings usually witness their parent’s struggle and fail. Their contact with children is limited to occasional part-time babysitting in high school, or on holiday visits to their relatives. They are completely deprived of the valuable lesson of witnessing, participating in, and learning from a successful raising process. They start learning how to raise a child only when they have their own, and so often fail terribly.

As if this was not enough, they see outrageous children’s behavior in public places and entitled parents’ hostile behavior defending their offspring’s “right” to be rude being common that a pattern appears in their minds that this is normal, as this is the only way of dealing with kids they can observe. They witness the disregard and contempt Americans have for a participating society without being aware that rejecting the participation leads to failure in raising kids.

When their own children come into this world, they are lost. They resort to “how to” manuals of doubtful quality written by self-proclaimed “experts” who never participated in raising children except for their own and failed, and who never lived in or even visited a society with polite and respectful children. They resort to “specialists” in “child development” or “child psychology” spawned by universities after a few years of theoretical studies, who run their coaching sessions or write their books based on studies with a small sample group instead of lifelong experience in the cultures successful in child-rearing. They spend a lot of money on “parenting classes” and books or magazines of doubtful quality that are designed or written by theoreticians presenting latest fads of “parenting styles” that change every time the wind blows. By the way, did someone ever check how much all that “parenting style” market is worth? I bet there is huge money behind it. The results of following it are deplorable – American kids, extremely rude, selfish, and entitlement-minded are totally unable to live in a society and to respect the society they live in.

American parents should learn from the societies in which kids are really polite and respectful, like the sub-Saharan African ones, but instead, they dismiss these societies with the contemptuous labels of “poor” or “primitive”. Why reinvent the wheel? The wheel is already there, passed from generation to generation, in a consistent, unchanged form and yielding great results. The American attempts to design the child raising wheel, meanwhile fail and become farther and farther from the desired one, resembling a square rather than a wheel at this moment.

American parents need to wake up, rethink their behavior, and start learning from successful societies instead of learning from “experts” of doubtful credentials who earn a lot of money prescribing recipes for a parental disaster.

Why are American kids so unsanitary?

American children are very unsanitary. They cough and sneeze without covering their mouths, they drool and spit, hold their hands in their mouths and touch objects, or people right afterwards with hands sticky of saliva, they lick public objects, they throw food all around, they urinate in public pools, or take a bite of food from a buffet available to other customers and put it back to the container. This list could be much longer. I am leaving out public diaper changing as this subject deserves a post of its own.

I hear from many Americans, those offended by this kind of behavior, that kids are simply disgusting. They say it (or write it online, as most often they are too afraid of saying anything face to face) the way that implies that all kids are simply gross. This is not true, but these people were apparently not exposed to other cultures, and they do not know that children can act much better. Kids are not unsanitary by nature. They are so only when adults fail to teach them otherwise. Unfortunately, the said failure happens way too often in kid-obsessed America, so it is very easy to draw a conclusion that all kids are unsanitary by people who have never traveled to other countries.

The reasons for failure to meet basic hygienic standards by American children are simple:

  • Parents fail to teach them and enforce proper standards of behavior both at home and in public places.
  • People offended or disgusted by unsanitary behavior fail to require parents to bring the kid to order or to report this behavior to proper authorities.
  • Businesses fail to enforce strict hygienic standards on their premises and fail to remove parents and kids that do not abide by these standards.

Countless times I have seen kids in America sneezing right into fruit or vegetables in supermarkets. At first, it was too shocking to me to do anything. I just stood there, my jaw dropped to the floor, as I have never seen such behavior in any other society before. Worse, the staff was there, observing it and doing nothing. At that time I had no idea what public institutions have the authority to inspect and fine businesses for unacceptable hygienic standards. Now I know where to report it, and I also require the management to impose order.

Another time, later on, a kid behind me in line at the supermarket drooled copiously on the conveyor belt where customers put their food to check it out, and the cashier did nothing about it. I cancelled my credit card transaction, and left a cart full of products right there, informing the worker about the reason for my dissatisfaction. Now, knowing better how things work in America, I would rather inform the management and the owner about why they lost my business forever. The place where this incident occurred was a health food store, or rather a germ food store; if they label themselves as “health”, they should keep healthy standards.

Another example: at a farmers market, a woman arrived with a kid that sprung wild out of the car, ran right to the stand with strawberries, and touched all of them with hands taken right out of the still drooling mouth. The farmer did nothing: Did not bring the kid to order, did not require the woman who failed to supervise the kid to buy all of them and did not throw them away. They were most likely sold to the next customer, together with the germs. Back then, I only informed the farmer that I will not spend money on her products for this reason. If this happened now, I would have taken her car’s license plate and informed proper authorities about her failure to ensure hygienic standards of the food products she sells.

I will not list all those times on the New York City Subway or NJ Transit when kids sneezed on people, touched them with dirty hands sticky from snots, kept dirty feet on seats, or licked the poles people hold on to, and their guardians did nothing about it. This behavior is simply selfish, as it threatens public health.

I also read about many cases of kids spitting into buffets, or taking a bite of food and putting it back, with the staff standing nearby, and doing nothing. This is unacceptable, and if you see something similar, you should take the steps listed below. Now I do it, too. It took me some time to get out of the shock when seeing this kind of behavior and to learn proper reporting procedures, but now I always take an action; simply taking other people’s health into account: someone who comes after me may not see what I saw and buy the contaminated food product. It is selfish not to take an action.

There is a lot that adults can do to teach the kids sanitary behavior, and millions of people all around the world succeed in training children, without even putting much thought into it. They do it because this is the way they grew up, and this is the way everyone around them does it. Kids, starting at the youngest age, one to two, are perfectly teachable and trainable to meet the standards of basic respect and hygiene. It is enough to simply grab the hand the kid puts into its mouth, take it out and say, in a strict and short manner: “don’t do it”, or take its hand when it starts coughing, bring it to its mouth and cover it, saying firmly “cover your mouth”. Clear and short requests are the key here. If you do it consistently two or three times, I guarantee the kid will learn.

At this point, Americans will, as usual, claim that their bundle of germs (the kid) of this age does not understand neither the teachings nor orders. True, but understanding is irrelevant at this point. A child does not have to understand it at all, it just needs to develop a good habit, or quit the bad habit automatically. With proper training, good habits will become second nature very soon, just like breathing air. Understanding respect and hygiene will come later on an adequate level of maturity. Kids are smart and learn quickly. Unfortunately, American parents greatly underestimate these abilities, and end up having rude and unsanitary kids.

In my elementary school, kids were punished by teachers for unhygienic behavior, and rejected by other kids for the same reason. It did not happen too often because, by the time we went to school, parents, relatives, and day care teachers taught us how to behave respectfully in a society. However, if an accident of forgetfulness occasionally happened, we could always count on the teachers or other children for corrections.

Some people may claim: “but there are so many adults sneezing or coughing without covering their mouths, or doing other disgusting things”. This is the sad truth, but this happens because their parents failed to teach them respectful habits when they were kids, later on their school failed to correct their parents’ failure, and the society failed to protest against their rudeness. Teach the kids respect and they will grow up to be respectful adults.

What can all of us do to eradicate unsanitary kids’ behavior?

  • Require the parent or sitter to respect us and bring the kid to order, and do it strictly, do not accept the “it’s just a kid” excuse. Remember: kids are teachable from the very early ages.
  • Require the business management to enforce proper sanitary standards, and remove the violator, if necessary. If the manager talks back, justifies unsanitary behavior, or does not seem to see anything wrong about it, report it to the owner. If you spend money there, imagine that your credit card is your voter’s card. You can make a difference.
  • Report lack or violation of sanitary standards, especially in food handling businesses, to proper authorities. Since I learned the proper authorities in charge of food safety, I do it every time I see a violation. These authorities differ from state to state. It can be health, business, or agriculture departments. The easiest way to find them is to Google: “how to report unsanitary conditions + your state”. They often have easy to fill online report forms, or special phone numbers for reporting. Do not forget that someone’s health may depend on your report.

Do not be afraid to point out the unacceptable behavior. I know they told you throughout all your life that kids are sacred. They are not, and if they are doing something wrong, it is your right to require to end the violation.

If the above cases of failure to comply with minimum hygienic standards happened in other countries, i.e. in many of the European countries, the businesses would make the parent pay for all the items contaminated by the kid. Also, the customers would report the unsanitary behavior to the authorities, and the businesses would pay huge fines. Whether the sanitary standards in America remain as low as they are, or get better depends on you. You should not hesitate to react.

A recipe for failure

Many American parents fail because they are inconsistent and give up too easily. Countless times, in different towns, in different states, on different ends of this large country I have seen a parent give an order to a child without enforcing it. Here are some examples:

Example 1: Small town in New Jersey, I do not remember which one because many of them look alike with their endless rows of houses. A kid about 4 years old was biking in the yard in a direction away from home. A young woman, whether a mother, a relative, or a nanny, it is really unimportant, shouted from the doorway of the house: “Come here!”. The kid kept biking away. She did nothing. She simply gave up and did not enforce her request. My mother, or any parent I know, would go to the kid, grab it and bring it to the place indicated as “here” to show it:

a) What “come here” means;

b) That a kid must obey an adult; and

c) That a kid will never get away with disobeying because an efficient enforcement system is in place.

The woman failed to do so, thus, she failed to teach the kid a valuable lesson. The next time the same kid may disobey her order and will for sure disrespect people in public places many times.

Example 2: Parking lot in Austin, TX. A guy parked his car, got out and opened the back door to let his kid out. He took the kid, about 5 years old, into his arms and said: “stand”. The kid did not stretch its legs for standing, having clearly no intention of standing at all. The guy gave up and carried the kid to the store, failing to enforce his request. A responsible, consequent adult would make the kid stand no matter what, for the same a), b) and c) reasons listed above, with only the activity changing in point a). The way this father acted, the kid was deprived of a valuable lesson. A couple of months down the road the same kid may disobey a “do not cross the road” order from an adult and get run over by a car just because it is encoded in its mind that adults’ orders mean nothing as they are not enforced.

Example 3: Santa Monica, CA, on a sidewalk in front of a health food store. A woman took a kid out of the car. The kid started running ahead. The women shouted “do not run”. The kid kept running. The woman did absolutely nothing. She failed to teach the kid the same lesson the same way the two persons above failed. Can you see the pattern a), b) and c) here?

Example 4: New York City Subway. A woman was talking to another adult. Her child, about 6 years old, was pulling her arm, shouting “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy”, each time louder, disrespecting with this disruptive behavior, not only the mother and her interlocutor, but also other passengers. The woman finally said something to make the kid stop, but she did it quite late, when the rude behavior was already going on and on for some time. This example is different than the three above, but only by a little bit. She should have made the kid stop the disrespectful behavior the first time it started disrupting the conversation of the adults in order to teach it effectively not to repeat this kind of behavior in the future. The way she acted, the kid will most likely disrupt other adults’ conversations and other peoples’ quiet enjoyment in the future.

In all the above cases, the kids ages 4-6 should have been taught to respond immediately to adults’ requests a long time before. Failure to do so unavoidably resulted in kids’ rudeness, disobedience and lack of respect and may potentially result in situations dangerous for them. I am sure you have seen many of these kids and parents in many public places because the patterns “do not do it (or do it) – disobedience – no reaction” are so common.

I do not know if people do not enforce their requests because they are simply lazy or because they kowtow to the incarnated deity – their kid. Either way, they are doing both the child and the society a huge disfavor.

In most of the societies I know with exemplary results of well-mannered children, people teach them to respect adults’ requests much earlier, usually before their first birthday, and continue consistently, with no exceptions, by reacting promptly and unavoidably. In kid-obsessed America, they do it very late, if at all. The results are deplorable.

Giving orders and letting a child disobey by not reacting at all or reacting too late is the best recipe for a parental failure so commonly seen in all public places in kid-worshiping America.