Tag Archives: unacceptable

The unspoken permission that allows changing diapers around food

In respectful societies, the intimate, but abominable activity of changing diapers is performed discretely, in the privacy of a restroom stall, a special room, or another place where no outsider would be exposed to its nauseating smell or germs. Respectful and responsible parents plan their outings accordingly, as to limit the necessity of doing it outside of their home.

In kid-obsessed America, parents not only change diapers in public, in the plain view and to the disgust of other customers, but they seem especially likely to do it around food: on restaurant and cafe tables, on park tables commonly used by nearby office employees to eat lunch on, in airport food courts, on counters, or in grocery store shopping carts.

The first time I have seen (and especially smelled) changing a diaper in public was in an upscale department store’s restroom, where a changing table was located in plain view of other users of the said facility, without a stall. I was nauseated all day long after this experience. In the months to come, I learned that installing baby changing stations without stalls is a common practice of American businesses oblivious to the disgust of other customers using the same restroom. I was shocked! I do my business discretely and respectfully in private in a stall designated for it. Baby poop does not smell like roses either, and its place should be in a stall as well. However, the worst was only about to come. In the restrooms, there is at least no food.

I was left speechless when I first saw a woman changing a baby on a table in a restaurant in Manhattan. Luckily, I was not inside; I was just walking by, looking into display windows with my usual curiosity. The people inside did not react, neither did the staff watching the show from a distance from which it was impossible to miss. The other customers’ faces did not look too pleased, on some of them I could actually see disgust, but they did nothing. There was another lesson for me to learn later on: that people are too afraid to point out the rudeness, harassed into silence by parents’ hostility when their unacceptable behavior does get pointed out.

Overall, I saw diaper changing on tables or a parent putting a kid wearing a diaper only (no pants) on a counter where food is served, around twenty times. Manhattan is not the only place where I saw it, and white, wealthy people (assuming by their dress) are not the only violators, although they slightly prevail in number over people of all other ethnicities and income ranges in the multiple states that I saw this happen. Nobody ever protested. When I told my non-American friends about it, they were outraged and most of them said they would never visit this unsanitary country.

The most shocking fact is that it happens also in those places where you could get to only by car, which means all customers have a vehicle to do it in, yet they choose to disrespect other patrons and expose them to a health hazard. Also, it mostly happens in entertainment places like cafes or restaurants where people go for pleasure rather than for a life saving service, which means disrespectful people with little kids have no emergency to stay in these places, and if they do, they must respect other patrons.

A recent (a few weeks ago) situation of changing a diaper at a cafe is also a good example. A woman was changing a kid in the dining area. The staff, instead of strictly requiring this couple to leave immediately, gave them a rag to clean up but let them stay. The kid’s father became aggressive and the police had to be called. The media covered the case widely but no article ever mentioned whether any of the other customers left offended, which leads me to believe that, as usual, they stayed and did nothing. The management totally failed in handling the problem. They apologized to the violator couple instead apologizing publicly to other customers that were exposed to this disgusting show. I was astonished to read the comments under the articles: the overwhelming majority of them came from people disgusted by the idea of changing diapers in a dining area, many of them parents of young children who declared that they would never do that. Why don’t they then protest when something that unacceptable happens?

Another problem is kids in diapers (the idea of not putting pants on a kid taken to a public place is disgusting by itself and hot weather is not an excuse) in grocery stores’ shopping carts. A surprise can fall out of the diaper at any moment and the scientists verified that in way too many cases it indeed does. According to the research done by the University of Arizona, fecal bacteria were found in 72% of the carts. Pictures of people changing diapers in shopping carts can be found online. Other customers are clearly disgusted by this habit, yet they prefer to take a picture and post it in the Internet rather than bring the problem to the attention of the store management and require them to remove the parent as well as to report a health hazard to proper authorities. The stores do not clean the carts. They offer disinfectant wipes as an excuse, thus, implicitly telling their customers: be our free cleaners, wipe other people’s kids’ fecal matter. This is simply unacceptable.

I have never seen this kind of parents’ behavior in any other country, not even in those countries where most people use public transportation, thus have no car to change the baby in. They simply plan their outings between changing needs, leave the kid at home or in day care, or invite their friends home instead of going to a cafe. In America, where most people go everywhere by car, it is unacceptable that changing diapers around food happens. No changing table at a restaurant is a poor excuse; parents should call in advance and check whether the venue offers the facility or not. They should also stop their entitlement approach and remember that changing stations are offered by businesses as a courtesy, not a must. If it is not available, that means the business caters more to adult clientele and this choice should be respected.

Changing diapers around food as well as installing changing stations without stalls should be illegal. It is a serious health hazard. There should be high fines imposed for it on both the parents and the companies on whose premises this happens. Businesses should remove unsanitary people with unsanitary kids as a minimum care for their customers’ health, and as a minimum of respect for them.

The most appalling point of this story is that people are disgusted by the practice of changing diapers around food, yet they give the unspoken permission to do it by not protesting whenever they find themselves around it. If you do not protest, you are contributing to this unacceptable behavior. You should reprimand the restaurant or cafe management, strictly require them to remove the violating parent and inform them that you will never spend money there again. There is nothing that hurts the businesses more then losing profit, and treating your credit card as your voter’s card is the best you can do.

Also, report a health hazard to proper authorities. They differ from state to state. The office can be located under either health, business, or agriculture departments. The easiest way to find them is to Google: “how to report unsanitary conditions + your state”. They often have easy to fill online report forms, or special phone numbers for reporting. Do not forget that someone’s health may depend on your report.

Do not shy away, do not let belligerent parents harass you into silence, do not fall into unjustified guilt. You are not doing anything wrong: it is the parent who is the wrongdoer. Protesting against or reporting changing diapers around food is no different than reporting theft – it is your clear “no” said to wrongdoing. Do not give your unspoken permission for unsanitary and inconsiderate behavior in public places.

It does take a village, but…

It does take a village to raise a child, but American parents do not understand this saying right. They want to eat their cake and have it too. They gladly accept privileges granted by the society, like child-related tax breaks and public schools, but they reject societal corrections of their parental failures. In a real village, things do not work this way.

In a village, or, in other words, in a participating society, parents cannot have privileges without having duties or trade-offs. In a village, parents get a lot of help and support from other villages, but they must live by the village’s standards. If they transgress them, they humbly accept and comply with the other villagers’ reprimands as well as apologize for their violations.

In a village, kids obey and respect adults. If they infringe on the adult’s rules, they are disciplined by any adult, be it a parent, an older child, or a relative, be it a complete stranger who just happens to catch the kid’s wrongdoing, or who is offended by it. Parents do not object to the discipline, and by no means get aggressive about it, but also apologize to the strangers for all the trouble. They know that other “villagers” are responsible, consistent, and do not discipline any kids for no reason.

American parents have a serious problem with both complying with the rules established by the society for everyone, and even a worse problem apologizing for their kids’ disrespectful behavior. The best example is the one of kids’ extreme rudeness in public places: Americans not only fail, or even totally refuse to keep the kids respectful, they also refuse to recognize a reason for apology, and become hostile towards any “villager” who gives them a well deserved and justified reprimand. For example, when someone brings a parent to order for allowing the unsanitary kid slobbering all over the fruit in a supermarket, the parent should respectfully apologize for its behavior and start teaching the kid respect and hygiene. There is no reason to get hostile: in a village, all villagers want all the best for your kid.

In a village, kids are often outside on their own, with no constant adult supervision. Adults may take a look occasionally, but not spend the whole time watching kids play. The condition is: they must play in a way that respects the neighbors. In case of serious problems, they may count on any member of the society for an intervention (for example: to inform the parent that something happened to the kid or to call an ambulance). That does not mean that people use their neighbors as free babysitters or servants. This behavior would be unacceptable. Other people step in as a courtesy, out of compassion or if a kid is offending them and depending on the case, offer assistance or discipline.

In a village, parents do not display any sign of entitlement just because they have kids. Any assistance from any “villager” is just his or her courtesy and favor, and even if showed often, it does not mean parents have a right to it. American parents clearly violate this village habit with their entitlement minded approach, raising their also entitlement minded, spoiled kids.

In a village, all members of the society act in a very consistent manner towards kids. They do not have any fads or “parenting styles” created by “experts” of doubtful credentials, and changing every time the wind blows. They know how to do it because they grew up in the same participating society. All of them: a grandfather of 8, a middle aged nun or a ten year old kid have a lot of experience in dealing with children because this is the way they have always lived in the village. They naturally assume disciplining or sometimes protecting children, whenever needed, the same way they naturally assume breathing air or eating food: they have been doing it all their life and it is their nature.

In America, parents have a serious problem. They expect the whole society to accommodate their whims, fads, and “parenting styles”, and their usurped “right” to be rude in public. They also belligerently question other people’s disciplining skills based on the single fact that the person does not have his or her own biological child, as if the mere act of reproduction had any impact on the ability to raise a respectful kid (actually, American parents are the best evidence of the contrary). In a real village-like, participating society, they would have to comply and apologize.

In a village, if taxpayers sponsor child-related facilities, the purpose of it is not to worship somebody’s kid. The purpose is to ensure progress, development, and respect in the society as a whole. In a village, public schools educate and teach, but also discipline the children and correct parental failures, if the young ones show signs of any. Parents respect teachers’ decisions because they know the school has the same goal as themselves: to raise respectful children into a respectful society. They do not undermine the teachers’ work and punish their kids if teachers report to them any misbehavior attempt that was curtailed at school. The same applies to public day care centers (in this case mostly in European societies) that are subsidized by the taxpayers. They are not treated as a low cost child storage, but rather as an extension of home, with consistent supervision, care, and discipline.

In kid-worshiping America, consistent raising of respectful children is sabotaged by helicopter parents blaming the teachers for giving their bratty kids well deserved reprimands for transgressions. Instead of cooperating with the school, these parents seriously harm their children by breaking away from the consistency provided by the village through the school.

In a village, kids learn to solve their own problems all by themselves. Adults are occupied with adult matters, like earning a living, and govern their kids’ behavior from some distance in order to give the children freedom to learn. They do not run after the kids all the time, everywhere, to overprotect their oversensitive snowflakes from what life around other kids may bring. Instead, they let the kids play, argue, and fight, and step in only if there is blood or broken bones. They can count on other villagers who occasionally take a look at the kids, and return the favor whenever an opportunity arises. These kids grow up to be very self-reliant, respectful, and their conflict solving abilities in workplaces are impressive.

Unfortunately, kid-obsessed American parents deprive their children of this valuable experience, thus, hurt their development. Their overprotected, overworshiped little dictators grow up to be incapable of solving conflicts, insecure and self-centered. None of these characteristics are useful in a “village”.

In a village, screaming is a sound of alarm, not fun. Children, from the youngest age, are trained not to make any unnecessary noise that would disrupt other people’s peace or offend them. They scream when something very serious happens, for example, an accident. Villagers know that they should run immediately to rescue the kid whenever they hear a scream. American parents fail terribly to teach their kids to keep respectfully quiet, especially in public places. In a village, both the parents and the kids would be brought to order for this.

In a village, the elderly enjoy well deserved respect. They are given priority and privileges resulting from life experience and wisdom, but also from declining energy and health. Kids, as younger and more energetic, must give up their seats for all adults, but for the elderly especially, and usually do it immediately without any additional requests from adults because they are raised to do so. They also run errands for their elderly relatives or neighbors, or help the lady from the fourth floor carry a heavy shopping bag to her apartment.

In kid-obsessed America, people seem to have a big problem with this village rule. Not only do entitled parents put their small kids on separate seats while adults are standing instead of holding them on their laps, they also take kids out of strollers and put them selfishly on separate seats. To make things worse, people give up their seats for school kids who have enough energy to jump like monkeys and yell outrageously with no reason and logically should have all the energy to stand still respectfully. It does not occur to the eight year old princes or princesses to give up their seats for the seniors. The parents fail to teach them, the schools fail to correct it, and other passengers fail to enforce it and discipline the ill-mannered kids. In a village, this kind of behavior is unacceptable.

It does take a village to raise a child but parents have to take the village as a package. It does not work if only the privileges that suit them are taken out of it.

Afraid to point out the rudeness

Americans seem afraid to point out kids’ extreme rudeness in public places and to demand the minimum of respect for themselves. When in other societies their members would step in and require to bring the kid to order immediately, Americans shy away. Why is it so?

Countless times I have seen an ill-mannered kid disrupt public space with ear-piercing screaming and yelling, offend other patrons or passengers by kicking their seats, or expose other people to germs by touching their bodies or belongings with hands dirty with saliva or snots. Countless times I have seen adult faces clearly offended, shocked, or at least uncomfortable with the said behavior. Countless times I have heard in person or read on internet forums how annoyed people were with kids’ rudeness in waiting rooms, stores, restaurants, and public transportation. Unfortunately, I have not seen any reaction from these people at all.

I remember well this scene on the New York City Subway. A kid was moving a toy car right in front of a woman (a stranger, not a mother or relative) seated in the next seat. It was getting more and more obnoxious, clearly invading her space, almost reaching her face, and making engine-like sounds that were pretty disruptive. The woman was upset with this behavior, a look of extreme annoyance on her face. Yet, she failed to do anything to restore order. She should have strictly required the kid to respect her and stop it right away, but she failed to do so.

When kids are running wild in restaurants and disrupting the experience for everyone, it is also clearly visible on people’s faces that they are annoyed with this behavior. Unfortunately, and to the detriment of all of us, they do nothing about it. I am usually the only person to cancel my order and leave, informing the business of the reason. If disrespectful behavior happens in a restaurant, be it from an ill-mannered child, be it from a drunk person, every customer should require the business to restore order and respect, and in failure thereof, cancel and leave.

The internet is full of rants, vents, and complaints of people offended or otherwise annoyed by kids’ unacceptable behavior. People are too docile to react, to defend themselves, to protest and require respect. Instead, they submissively go home and vent online, which not only does not contribute to the improvement of the situation, but causes its deterioration by enhancing the obnoxious kids and lazy, disrespectful parents to continue the behavior. Silence is unspoken agreement with the present situation in this case.

Where is the problem?

Americans were manipulated by the kid-obsessed society and harassed into this level of submissiveness. They became so obsequious because they were made think that a kid is sacred and protesting against its rudeness is equal to protesting against its holy existence and against the institution of the family. It should not be like this though. Take a dictionary and check the terms: extreme rudeness vs. family. They are not synonyms.

If I acted like the kids described above, I would be disciplined immediately by a parent, relative, teacher, salesperson, waiter, bus driver or an older kid. If my parents were present, a stranger would bring me to order right in front of them, and they would be embarrassed that their failure was so serious that someone else had to step in. They would apologize to that person immediately, make me apologize and punish me severely for two things: for offending somebody and for bringing shame on them. It is not old-fashioned or outdated. Many modern societies still act this way, and obtain very good results. Remember: respect never goes out of style.

I know people can get easily intimidated by the aggressive American parents, but you should not let them subdue you. A servile compliance with their expectation to take kids’ extreme rudeness for normal childhood behavior is not a solution to the problem. It is actually an encouragement of it.

Calling attention to children’s rudeness and requiring to curb the said behavior immediately contributes to their education and to the society’s well being. It should be accompanied by a calm, but strict request to restore order and respect. All members of the society should step in immediately when rudeness starts and not give up until it has ended.