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Defining women through procreation

When non-American women are introduced, their professional position, job title, education, and achievements are mentioned. The same is true when women introduce themselves. Whether they appear in the media or in other professional settings, they are labeled and label themselves as professionals and experts in their discipline, their reproductive choices not being mentioned, as they are something that belongs to the private sphere not to be discussed publicly. Americans, however, tend to define women through procreation. Not only does the media label women this way, but also women tend to picture themselves as mothers whether is it relevant in the situation presented or not. Also, the emotional term of “mom”, not the biological term of “mother” is used in relation to a stranger.

Some of the examples are article authors’ introductions in the media: Jane Smith, mom, wife, lawyer or Jane Smith, mom of 3, author, doctor, the term “mom” often being capitalized in the middle of a sentence. Where European, Latin American, or African media focus on the characteristics relevant for the information presented, the American ones not only bring up the person’s private information on her reproductive choice, but also put it in the first position, before all the achievements she had to work so hard for. Another example are news articles like: Washington Mom Sues the State Over (here comes the reason completely unrelated to her status as a mother) and further down the article mentions that the woman in question also happens to be a highly educated professional in a prestigious field. Why not a “Washington Scientist” then?

This way of defining women seems to be so deeply rooted in the culture and so strongly and persistently drummed into women’s heads that they do not seem to notice that there is something wrong here. While their European counterparts would protest against this gender discriminating approach, American women not only do nothing about it but also internalize it as a way of defining themselves, regardless of their scientific or other achievements. I have never encountered this approach in other societies, not even when talking to a civil society activist in a remote Angolan village who had a baby in a scarf attached to her back. She never mentioned anything kid-related in a professional interview even if her society is known as conservative and kids are very important in her culture.

American women not only introduce themselves or let others introduce them as “mom” but also label their cars this way. Proud Army mom, proud Air Force mom, volleyball mom, swim mom, gymnastics mom, insert-any-sport-discipline mom, are widespread in kid-obsessed America. When I first saw a bumper sticker “hockey mom” on a vehicle, I was still very innocent about the kid-obsessed culture. I thought this meant that the car owner plays hockey and happens to have a kid as well. When my friend corrected me, I was shocked that the person in question defines herself through the kid or as an attachment to the kid. All of us, not only successful professionals, have certain qualities that distinguish us from the others, like fast knitter, sunflower grower, or pet rescuer. If a person has a need to be exhibitionist about her privacy, it can be done in a thousand ways, not necessarily through the kids. At that time, however, I had no idea that in kid-obsessed America there is no life besides kids.

When trying to buy a book from an online book store, I was struck by lightning. A book review started: “As a busy mother of 3…” This one at least was not as emotion-loaded as the ones using “mom” instead of “mother”. But anyway, the book subject matter was not even distantly related to kids. At that point I skipped to the next one. I have no reason to read a review written by someone who has no identity apart from reproduction. People can be busy with many things, not necessarily by having a kid. However, it looks as though in this kid-worshiping society women were programmed to be walking wombs that do not exist without a kid and cannot imagine that it could be any different.

Another story comes from a supermarket. I could not find an item so I asked about it. I was told: “see that mom at that aisle? It is right there”. The salesperson labeled a complete stranger she knew nothing about just because that lady happened to be with a kid. Maybe she was a sitter, an aunt, an elder sister, any other relative or a friend? No, she was described with the emotional term of “mom”. If I asked the same question anywhere else, I would get an answer: “see that person in a red sweater and blue jeans?” or “see that woman with long brown hair?”. Not in kid-obsessed America. Here a woman is described as a “mom”.

The most shocking comment to me was what my non-American friend heard from a salesperson in a women’s clothing chain store in New Jersey. My friend is a highly achieving professional and out of the blue she was told the following about her successful career: “when your husband makes you a kid everything will end”. She was left speechless. Very assertive as she is she could not say anything in self-defense because in her worse nightmares she would not imagine that not only a woman may say something like this to another woman but also as a customer she did not expect this level of disrespect from a salesperson. The same actually happened to her in a doctor’s office in the same state when she was told something very similar by a nurse. Similar to my reaction to the bumper sticker, she was then new to the kid-obsessed culture and too shocked to act. Coming from a modern European city she could simply not imagine that a Western society can be so backward. Now she says she would definitely sue both companies and make sure that the two women would be fired.

What other Western society has an expression of “career woman”? In modern societies a career is a normal part of life for both men and women and no labels are used because there is no need for them. In this kid-obsessed society, however, women are nagged by friends, relatives, coworkers and complete strangers about their reproductive plans, and patronized or condescended based on their answer. It seems like in America uteri are public property, open for anyone to look into and comment. Strangers, instead of talking about something neutral like weather, literature, music, or art, nosily interfere in women’s privacy and reserve themselves the right to make negative remarks or even harass women who say they are not interested in procreation. On the other hand, these women are unable to defend themselves from aggressive interference or even are afraid that any self-defense would be impolite (and what is the intrusive interference if not a lack of basic manners in its extreme version?) and end up cornered and humiliated.

The American society needs to stop treating women like attachments to a kid and learn basic manners and respect. American women need to be much more assertive in defending themselves and more willing to show that they have identity, personality, and achievements apart from a kid and that these characteristics are equally or more valid in comparison with procreation.

Caution: I am too lazy to watch my kids

American parents like to escape from their parental duties and from the responsibility for their kids and offload it onto other people. The best evidence for this fact are the signs so widespread in residential areas: “Caution: Children at Play” or “Slow: Children Playing”, a variety of the latter establishing speed limits of 5-15 miles per hour. The most ridiculous one I have seen was a flat, cardboard figure with a real size kid photo on it. These are typically American signs. Having lived in a couple of countries and traveled to much more, I have never seen them anywhere else. Why? Because people in other societies are responsible for their kids’ behavior and do not pass their responsibility onto anybody else.

When two adults decide to have a kid (and in AD 2013 this is certainly a decision, with multiple methods of birth control widely available, no excuses should be made about it), they are fully responsible for their kids’ behavior and safety. Offloading their responsibilities and duties onto someone else (except for people paid by them for watching kids) is unacceptable. What responsible parents in other societies do and what American parents should learn to do is to instill into the kid from the very young age the most important sign-like information: “Caution: Roads are for Cars”, “Caution: Stay in your Parents’ Yard”, “Warning: Streets are not Playgrounds”, or “Watch for Cars”. Another good option is: “When you see a car, move to the sidewalk immediately”. Building a fence with a locking gate and keeping the kid in the yard is a good solution.

While traveling across America, I saw a sign on the rear of a bus: “Caution: Children may be Exiting”. I do not remember where exactly it was, possibly in Austin. This is another way of offloading parents’ responsibility onto other people. If kids under certain, quite high ages are not allowed to be out on the streets or in other public places alone, that logically means all children on buses are accompanied by at least one adult. This adult is responsible for the child and should require it to stand still and never run wild or should hold it. The same refers to exiting the bus: no wild release, hold it or teach it to walk right next to the adult guardian, bring it to order in the same second when it tries to walk or run away and nothing will happen. Unfortunately, American parents are too oblivious and too lazy to teach, hold, and watch their kids. In this country, the sign on the rear of buses should rather say: “Caution: Lazy Parents and Released Wild Kids”.

American parents simply fail to teach their children cautiousness and responsibility. I saw thousands of kids playing on the streets in multiple countries. They played respectfully, quietly, without wild yelling, and were trained to watch for cars or motorcycles. As soon as a vehicle approached, they dispersed to the sides immediately. Pardon this comparison, but most people have probably seen cockroaches escape in the same second when a light goes on. This is exactly how it looks: Kids run to the sides in the same second in which a vehicle appears on the horizon.

When I was growing up, we did exactly the same as I see when I travel. All of us kids, starting at the age of about three, played respectfully on the street and when a car approached, we immediately moved to the sidewalk. There was never any adult present. Adults were busy working and obtaining food. Kids were required and trained to be responsible for themselves and for the younger ones. If a kid acted irresponsibly, i.e. failed to move away when a car was approaching, this inaction would be reported to its parents and the kid would be punished. Because the society was very consistent, with no “parenting styles” or other fads, one kid getting punished by its parents or relatives meant that any other kid would get punished for exactly the same. This was the best deterring factor that kept all the kids in order. If a kid got hurt, and it was its fault, it would never be coddled, bribed, or worshiped; it would be punished for lack of cautiousness and responsibility. It would never occur to any parent to blame someone else or to offload the responsibility onto other people.

Some time ago I read a very interesting book: “So Long a Letter” by Mariama Bâ. Two out of twelve kids of the main character, Ramatoulaye, disobeyed her ban and went to play soccer on the street. A motorcyclist hit them. One of the kids and the motorcyclist got lightly injured and the other kid ended up with a broken arm. The motorcyclist came to Ramatoulaye’s door to tell her what happened. She apologized to him for her kids being the cause of his accident, clearly admitting their fault, took care of his injuries, and only afterwards proceeded to the kids. First, she disciplined both of them and only then required an older kid to take the one with a broken arm to the hospital. She made them suffer the consequences of their irresponsible and disobedient behavior. It was a lesson not only for them but also for all the other kids who played with them.

My mother had more kids than hands. When she took her kids somewhere, we were required to hold her hand, hold on to a bag she was holding if she did not have any free hand, or simply walk right next to her. Running wild, way ahead of her was absolutely not allowed and if a kid tried to disobey, it would be brought to order in the same second. Other parents and relatives as well as older kids did exactly the same. There was absolutely no running wild.

Americans release their young children to run wild far ahead, let them yell wild and bump into people at full speed and not only fail to apologize but also blame anyone except themselves if their worshiped precious snowflake gets scared or falls and scratches its knee. They fail to teach their kids to be cautious and responsible; then pass their responsibility onto anybody else, businesses, or other users of public space, and blame the others for their own and kids’ failures and faults. This is unacceptable, and the society as a whole should put pressure to change it. American parents should be required to assume responsibility for their own and kids’ acts and omissions. Watching and holding kids at all times when outside the home as well as teaching them responsibility and cautiousness is a must, and if parents do not want to do it, they should keep them at home.

The unspoken permission that allows changing diapers around food

In respectful societies, the intimate, but abominable activity of changing diapers is performed discretely, in the privacy of a restroom stall, a special room, or another place where no outsider would be exposed to its nauseating smell or germs. Respectful and responsible parents plan their outings accordingly, as to limit the necessity of doing it outside of their home.

In kid-obsessed America, parents not only change diapers in public, in the plain view and to the disgust of other customers, but they seem especially likely to do it around food: on restaurant and cafe tables, on park tables commonly used by nearby office employees to eat lunch on, in airport food courts, on counters, or in grocery store shopping carts.

The first time I have seen (and especially smelled) changing a diaper in public was in an upscale department store’s restroom, where a changing table was located in plain view of other users of the said facility, without a stall. I was nauseated all day long after this experience. In the months to come, I learned that installing baby changing stations without stalls is a common practice of American businesses oblivious to the disgust of other customers using the same restroom. I was shocked! I do my business discretely and respectfully in private in a stall designated for it. Baby poop does not smell like roses either, and its place should be in a stall as well. However, the worst was only about to come. In the restrooms, there is at least no food.

I was left speechless when I first saw a woman changing a baby on a table in a restaurant in Manhattan. Luckily, I was not inside; I was just walking by, looking into display windows with my usual curiosity. The people inside did not react, neither did the staff watching the show from a distance from which it was impossible to miss. The other customers’ faces did not look too pleased, on some of them I could actually see disgust, but they did nothing. There was another lesson for me to learn later on: that people are too afraid to point out the rudeness, harassed into silence by parents’ hostility when their unacceptable behavior does get pointed out.

Overall, I saw diaper changing on tables or a parent putting a kid wearing a diaper only (no pants) on a counter where food is served, around twenty times. Manhattan is not the only place where I saw it, and white, wealthy people (assuming by their dress) are not the only violators, although they slightly prevail in number over people of all other ethnicities and income ranges in the multiple states that I saw this happen. Nobody ever protested. When I told my non-American friends about it, they were outraged and most of them said they would never visit this unsanitary country.

The most shocking fact is that it happens also in those places where you could get to only by car, which means all customers have a vehicle to do it in, yet they choose to disrespect other patrons and expose them to a health hazard. Also, it mostly happens in entertainment places like cafes or restaurants where people go for pleasure rather than for a life saving service, which means disrespectful people with little kids have no emergency to stay in these places, and if they do, they must respect other patrons.

A recent (a few weeks ago) situation of changing a diaper at a cafe is also a good example. A woman was changing a kid in the dining area. The staff, instead of strictly requiring this couple to leave immediately, gave them a rag to clean up but let them stay. The kid’s father became aggressive and the police had to be called. The media covered the case widely but no article ever mentioned whether any of the other customers left offended, which leads me to believe that, as usual, they stayed and did nothing. The management totally failed in handling the problem. They apologized to the violator couple instead apologizing publicly to other customers that were exposed to this disgusting show. I was astonished to read the comments under the articles: the overwhelming majority of them came from people disgusted by the idea of changing diapers in a dining area, many of them parents of young children who declared that they would never do that. Why don’t they then protest when something that unacceptable happens?

Another problem is kids in diapers (the idea of not putting pants on a kid taken to a public place is disgusting by itself and hot weather is not an excuse) in grocery stores’ shopping carts. A surprise can fall out of the diaper at any moment and the scientists verified that in way too many cases it indeed does. According to the research done by the University of Arizona, fecal bacteria were found in 72% of the carts. Pictures of people changing diapers in shopping carts can be found online. Other customers are clearly disgusted by this habit, yet they prefer to take a picture and post it in the Internet rather than bring the problem to the attention of the store management and require them to remove the parent as well as to report a health hazard to proper authorities. The stores do not clean the carts. They offer disinfectant wipes as an excuse, thus, implicitly telling their customers: be our free cleaners, wipe other people’s kids’ fecal matter. This is simply unacceptable.

I have never seen this kind of parents’ behavior in any other country, not even in those countries where most people use public transportation, thus have no car to change the baby in. They simply plan their outings between changing needs, leave the kid at home or in day care, or invite their friends home instead of going to a cafe. In America, where most people go everywhere by car, it is unacceptable that changing diapers around food happens. No changing table at a restaurant is a poor excuse; parents should call in advance and check whether the venue offers the facility or not. They should also stop their entitlement approach and remember that changing stations are offered by businesses as a courtesy, not a must. If it is not available, that means the business caters more to adult clientele and this choice should be respected.

Changing diapers around food as well as installing changing stations without stalls should be illegal. It is a serious health hazard. There should be high fines imposed for it on both the parents and the companies on whose premises this happens. Businesses should remove unsanitary people with unsanitary kids as a minimum care for their customers’ health, and as a minimum of respect for them.

The most appalling point of this story is that people are disgusted by the practice of changing diapers around food, yet they give the unspoken permission to do it by not protesting whenever they find themselves around it. If you do not protest, you are contributing to this unacceptable behavior. You should reprimand the restaurant or cafe management, strictly require them to remove the violating parent and inform them that you will never spend money there again. There is nothing that hurts the businesses more then losing profit, and treating your credit card as your voter’s card is the best you can do.

Also, report a health hazard to proper authorities. They differ from state to state. The office can be located under either health, business, or agriculture departments. The easiest way to find them is to Google: “how to report unsanitary conditions + your state”. They often have easy to fill online report forms, or special phone numbers for reporting. Do not forget that someone’s health may depend on your report.

Do not shy away, do not let belligerent parents harass you into silence, do not fall into unjustified guilt. You are not doing anything wrong: it is the parent who is the wrongdoer. Protesting against or reporting changing diapers around food is no different than reporting theft – it is your clear “no” said to wrongdoing. Do not give your unspoken permission for unsanitary and inconsiderate behavior in public places.