Author Archives: VoiceofReason

A mother bans the term “fat” from being used in front of her daughters

The media reported recently that a mother of three daughters banned the term “fat” to be pronounced in front of her kids, to include her adult guests and friends.

It would be understandable and desirable if she banned this word to be used against overweight or obese people in order to respect them. The motivation was, however, very different from this.

The mother claimed that talking about weight and dieting in the presence of her kids is “damaging to their self-esteem”. She came up with this idea when her daughter told her “Mommy, I can’t drink soda because drinking soda gives you a fat tummy”, something the daughter repeated that a camp counselor allegedly said.

Well, it is a scientifically proved fact that soda actually does give you a fat tummy. Not only that, but above all, it damages your health. This is how the problem should have been discussed: from the health point of view. Yes, discussed, not avoided. Soda is bad for health, and it is never too early for a child to learn this simple fact: It does cause weight gain. Obesity and unhealthy weight in America escalated to epidemic levels; it affects a large part of the society, and the problem should not be brushed under the carpet. It is real, it is threatening and kids are exposed to it every day. An oversensitive mother banning the problem from being brought up will not solve it  or make it disappear. Kids have to learn life. The kid should be adjusted to the world, not the world to the kid.

My generation of kids grew up in a politically instable country playing with wooden blocks as imaginary militia, soldiers, and tanks. This was the reality of our times. No adult ever banned the use of the terms “militia”, “soldiers”, or “tanks” from being said in front of their kids. None of the parents banned kids from watching the news either. This was the reality of our times, this was life, and we, the kids, had to deal with it on our own. None of the kids went to therapy because of this, and none of us had “issues”. We learned to live our lives in the reality that was out there. My generation turned out to be a generation of successful adults, building peace, democracy and the society’s wealth.

The kids made fun of me in elementary school because I wore glasses. I was actually the only one in the class who wore them. It did not affect my self-esteem at all, and I proudly wear my second pair of eyes now. They made fun of my friend who had red hair and freckles. It did not hurt her self-esteem either. Kids teased another girl who was slightly overweight (the only overweight kid around), calling her “fat”. They made fun of other kids for being different otherwise. Not only was the self-esteem of these children doing all right, but they also developed a really nice level of assertiveness when they had to push back other kids’ verbal attacks. When adults are responsible, not overprotective, and not litigious, kids develop abilities to defend themselves: That so useful in their future adult lives. By using every small excuse to claim bullying, or damaging self-esteem, American parents hurt their kids’ learning opportunities seriously.

Kids are sometimes mean to each other. This is the way they learn life. They create conflicts and learn to solve them. They solve problems actually really well and fast when left without adults’ interference, and by this way they are able to solve conflicts in the future, as adults, especially in workplaces. Conflicts are indeed solved easier, and do not escalate to the levels seen in America in the societies in which parents do not interfere in the kids’ conflicts. By interfering too much and too early during a kids’ course of action they deprive their offspring’s ability to learn how life really is, something so useful in the future.

Considering this entitled mother’s approach, I can picture her suing the camp for desecrating her precious snowflake’s innocent ears. The next step will be showing guests the door for defiling her oversensitive darlings with other terms related to human physique, intellectual skills, or status that might, in her opinion, negatively affect her daughters’ self-esteem. I am sorry that the kids’ life learning abilities are being curtailed by their mother’s absurd ideas.

The big “be fruitful and multiply” manipulation

When people announce that they do not want to have children, they are often confronted with a statement: but God said “Be fruitful and multiply”. I am pretty sure many childfree Christians were exposed to this problem whether hearing this phrase as a reproach made by someone else or even considering by themselves if their choice is right in the light of their God while remembering only this short part of it.

People who use the phrase “Be fruitful and multiply” to scold or undermine someone else’s reproductive choices always omit its further part. Actually, the exact phrase of Genesis 1:28 reads as follows: “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Fill the earth. Subdue it. Have dominion. Sounds familiar?

There seems to be little consensus today regarding when exactly was Genesis written. The Book of Genesis itself does not state it either. Its authorship is arguable. Assuming, however, that Moses was the author, the date of composition for the Book of Genesis would have to be between 1446 B.C. (the date of the Exodus) and 1406 B.C. (the death of Moses), according to Bible.org.

The data on world population in 2000 B.C. varies between 27 million and 35 million, while for 1000 B.C. it is estimated to have been about 50 million. Let’s assume that the world population in 1400s when Genesis was written was approximately the same as the current population of California (just above 38 million as of 2012), or Argentina, Algeria, Poland or Sudan, eventually half of the population of today’s Egypt, Germany, or Iran.

According to the United Nations (as of June 13, 2013), current world population of 7.2 billion is projected to reach 8.1 billion in 2025 and 9.6 billion by 2050. These figures are based on the so called “medium variant” projection, which assumes a substantial decline in fertility rates. According to the “high variant” projection, however, the world population in 2050 could be 10.9 billion.

When the world population was around 40 million, the calling “be fruitful and multiply” could not have done much harm and was even justified. However, using the phrase in today’s planet that carries over 7 billion souls and intentionally leaving the rest of it  omitted, prevents the person on the receiving end from realizing that this part of God’s plan (whether you believe in God or not) has been exceeded by way too much. The world is overpopulated and humans have too much dominion over the other creatures and their environments. If anything, the complete phrase should lead people to ponder whether they have overachieved this plan and need to modify their behaviors to sustain life on the planet for many future years.

As of 2013, we face the problems of deforestation, CO2 emissions, global warming, unsustainable agriculture, water and air pollution, resource depletion, species extinction, and other serious environmental issues resulting from overpopulation and environmentally irresponsible behavior.

There is also a personal level to this problem: following the calling with its second part omitted may make some people unhappy – these people that did not want to have child, but gave in to the peer pressure of the “be fruitful and multiply” manipulative advocates. On the global level, however, it means a further serious devastation of the already devastated environment.

When Americans hear “overpopulation” in relation to “environmental problems”, they point their blaming fingers at the developing countries, especially African ones, where the birth rates are higher. Very few of them would consider that in their kid-obsessed country fewer, but extremely spoiled kids do more harm to the environment than a larger number of African children raised in modest conditions. In child-worshiping America people buy tons of plastic toys, disposable diapers, use a lot of fuel to drive the kids in monster-size SUVs, waste the food their fussy kid does not eat, buy brand new clothing, while in developing countries there is little waste, kids have to be creative in inventing their toys and ways of playing, they recycle clothes, walk, do not waste food and are still happy and respectful. This does not mean that the birth rate should continue being this high, but it is not only the developing world with multiple children per couple that is to blame for environmental problems. Child-related overconsumption in America is worse in this regard.

Today, instead of “be fruitful and multiply”, the calling for all, Christians or not, should be: Be responsible and use birth control, stop cutting down rainforests, lower CO2 emissions, stop mass scale plastic manufacturing, and biodiversity depletion, have respect for the fish of the sea and the birds of the heavens and for the trees of the Amazon, and for heaven’s sake, stop the kid-related overconsumption. The Earth is filled to the limits, subdued way too much, and human dominion has done a lot of harm.

The “kids will be kids” excuse

Countless times I have heard the expression “kids will be kids” in kid-obsessed America. It was totally unknown to me before, as the attitude associated with the expression was nonexistent in any of the countries I have previously been to or lived in. I figured out fast, however, that what it means is a simple, yet shameless justification of unacceptable kids’ behavior, a totally wrong assumption that all kids are extremely rude by nature and nothing can be done about it.

“Kids will be kids” is an absurd excuse so often used by slothful parents whenever someone else points out their child’s rude behavior. The latter action, deplorably, happens on way too few occasions because the exact same kind of parents, the oblivious and lazy ones who use the said expression, happen to be so aggressive that people are afraid of their belligerent reactions. When someone does have the courage to speak up though, in the form of a kind request to keep the kids respectfully quiet on a bus, to make them stop bullying someone’s dog with a stick on the street, to get them to stop throwing objects at people in a store, or to stop them from running wild in a bank, the “kids will be kids” excuse is shoveled down the polite person’s throat.

Way too often the above response from an aggressive parent leaves the person requesting the minimum respect speechless, as if the person did not know what to answer. It does not have to be this way though. Here are some insights:

Someone who assumes that every kid is rude and ill-mannered just because it is a kid, is not only highly disrespectful towards millions of polite kids out there and their respectful parents, but also very ignorant about child development and learning abilities, including abilities to learn the rules of politeness and respect. In other words, by saying “kids will be kids” this kind of parent insults not only millions of other kids, but also his or her own children, by implying that they are dumb by nature. Nice, isn’t it?

Kids are perfectly teachable, especially the young ones, but the process requires work, immediate reactions to undesired behavior, and above all consistency. It also requires a certain level of authoritativeness; however, most child-worshiping Americans are too soft on their kids. It is also important to start very early in a child’s life, while it appears most Americans postpone this teaching until it is too late, wrongly assuming that a young child is unable to learn or “just being a kid”.

With an adequate and consistent raising process, kids turn out very polite and respectful, and no “kids will be kids” excuses are needed when kids are polite kids. Do not let any failed, disrespectful parent make you think that it is otherwise. I will reiterate: kids are not rude by nature, they are not rude because they are kids, they are not rude because of their young age. They are rude because their parents failed to teach them respect and politeness.

Whenever I hear the “kids will be kids” excuse now, I recognize it as an aggressive and thoughtless response to my polite, but direct request to bring the misbehaving kid to order. My new answer to it is the following: “Kids will be polite kids or kids will be rude kids, depending on how you teach and train them. Yours are clearly extremely rude, they are offending me as well as other customers. You failed to teach them the minimum of respect for others. You must make them quiet (or seated or standing still).” I guarantee that this response, if pronounced in a calm, respectful, but strict voice, really works. I had many occasions to practice it, so nowadays it produces successful results.

I encourage everyone who is faced with the “kids will be kids” excuse to defend themselves. It is not as difficult as you may think, and even if you shy away the first time, you may rethink it, rehearse it, and the next time get him or her to comply and bring the kid to order. The impact of your little step for respect in public places for all of us is priceless.

Simple solutions are the best

Over the past few days America was excited about a video of twins playing with rubber bands. It was getting thousands of views and comments online. Is there really something that incredible in that video to be very excited about? Not at all. It is nothing unusual. Millions of kids all over the world play with very simple objects, have fun and learn to think creatively. What went wrong that Americans are so delighted about something so usual?

American kids are extraordinarily spoiled with excess toys, games and other accessories, mainly plastic, that each year add tons of waste to the landfills and affect the already devastated environment. The kids are so used to getting so many new toys so often that they are neither grateful for them nor occupied with them for long periods of time. Instead, accustomed to their parents being at their whims and orders all the time, they demand more and more new plastic junk that shares the fate of all the previous toys.

American kids are also overstimulated by obsessed parents constantly focusing on them, driving them around, organizing their activities, extracurricular lessons, play dates, and outings that they do not have time to learn to think and invent during all those overscheduled days, months and years. If this was not enough, the overconcerned, overstimulating and overscheduling parents fail to teach their kids something simple, badly needed and lacking: basic manners, especially table manners, respect and proper behavior towards other users of public space.

These parents seem completely unable to imagine that their kids, even the youngest ones, are perfectly able to think, invent and create something out of nothing. The kids can and will if only allowed to do so and be guided how to do it respectfully, without unnecessary disruption. All the excitement about the video and the simple fact that kids can play and have fun without being stimulated, driven, and scheduled clearly shows that people lack both imagination and knowledge about child development. The results are deplorable: overstimulated, overscheduled and overwhelmed with tons of plastic, children are unable to think, to create, to imagine and to play without parents spending lots of money on them. Moreover, they seem very slow in their development: an average American ten year old acts like a two year old somewhere else.

Also, American parents constantly complain how difficult, expensive, exhausting and time consuming raising a child is. They demand praising, credits, and privileges from the task of kid raising from other people or society as a whole. It is actually not as demanding as Americans think, and most of the supposed hardship is self-inflicted. Just ask parents from the countries in which a kid is part of the society, not its center focus.

Millions of children around the world play with whatever they have available: boxes, sticks, stones, blocks, old tires, and many kinds of common items. Most of them have very few, very simple toys, often made by relatives or local artisans, hand-me-downs from other kids or donations received from charities. Yet, they are very happy, cheerful, thoughtful, and much more mature and respectful than American kids. They have lots of fun out of nothing and find multiple ways of playing with a simple item.

In these countries, adults are used to leaving kids alone to play and do not overstimulate or overschedule them. They would find nothing unusual, adorable, cute or awe-inspiring in a video of two children playing with rubber bands, as Americans did. For them, it is just as natural as playing with anything else the kid can find in the household or anywhere outside. They only make sure that the kids play respectfully and politely, and bring them to order whenever necessary. They end up having polite, respectful, mature and happy children. This example is worth following in America.

Why are American parents so aggressive?

When I was a child, I loved animals (and still love them), especially the little ones of all species. My mother once told me: “Do not approach a female animal when she has her puppies or kittens, she may scratch or bite you because she may think you want to hurt them”. No animal has ever bitten or scratched me, and I did not understand my mother’s warning until I moved to kid-obsessed America and had my first encounters with aggressive parents of extremely rude kids.

In a respectful society, if you point out child’s inappropriate behavior, it is an incredible shame for the parents that they failed to teach it respect so terribly, that a stranger has to request them to impose order. They apologize to the stranger and discipline the kid immediately. These situations do not happen too often because kids are generally polite and only on rare occasions strangers have to intervene, but shame, apology and discipline are a typical reaction.

In kid-obsessed America it is the opposite. Parents do not want to admit their failure. They refuse to admit their kids’ rude or offensive behavior. They consider their kids the center of the universe entitled to do whatever they want, wherever they want, and to whoever they want, and turn very belligerent in defense of this undue entitlement.

For example, if you request them to do something as basic as make the kid stop yelling (not crying, just yelling out of its whim) in public transportation or in a waiting room, instead of politely complying, they turn hostile. If you request them to hold their kid running up and down the aisles in a restaurant or on a plane, instead of apologizing for their failure, grabbing the kid and putting in a seat, they become aggressive.

There are some regional differences between the above described Northeastern United States plus California and, for example, Texas. Texans, when asked to bring their kid to order, comply, with that “o.k., o.k.”, pronounced in a sulky tone as if they were doing you a huge favor. However, they still fail to admit their fault or failure and do not apologize or do not make the child apologize for the disruption they caused.

Why is it so?

One of the reasons certainly is self-centeredness of both the parent and the child. The parent was worshiped as a kid by kid-centered parents and society, and grew up with the sense of entitlement of someone who is the center of the universe. The kid is currently awed and glorified the same way or worse, and the pugnacious parent defends the kid’s usurped “right” to overtake all the public space with no regard to other people.

Another reason is a simple lack of manners. Ill-mannered people raised ill-mannered children and overreact when their lack of manners is pointed out.

There is one basic difference between the female animals my mother referred to and American parents: the former defend their offspring when it faces real danger and the later get hostile with no reason, out of simple entitlement.

The result is lamentable. The hostile reactions to kind requests for respect harassed polite people into silence. Pugnacious parents throw their weight around and other passengers or customers became too scared to demand the minimum of respect. This is very harmful to the whole society, but also to these kids themselves. Instead of learning peaceful and respectful coexistence, they learn that they are the dictators in all places, for all people, which leads to deplorable results.

People should not be afraid of pointing out rudeness and demanding respect. The belligerent parents may be initially very aggressive, but when encounter resistance, they give in. Their favorite attack to a polite request is yelling “mind your own business!”, which gives in to a simple, calm but strict “this is exactly what I am doing; it is my business to be respected by your kid and you must make it quiet / make it stop touching me / hold it, right now!”

After the first couple of times I was shocked to encounter a hostile “mind your own business!” reaction instead of a respectful and ashamed apology, and left speechless. However, the next time I had a ready answer, and I assure you, it really works. I tested it on the most aggressive and spoiled Manhattanites. Do not be afraid to demand your rights to be respected.