Tag Archives: kid-obsessed

The “kids will be kids” excuse

Countless times I have heard the expression “kids will be kids” in kid-obsessed America. It was totally unknown to me before, as the attitude associated with the expression was nonexistent in any of the countries I have previously been to or lived in. I figured out fast, however, that what it means is a simple, yet shameless justification of unacceptable kids’ behavior, a totally wrong assumption that all kids are extremely rude by nature and nothing can be done about it.

“Kids will be kids” is an absurd excuse so often used by slothful parents whenever someone else points out their child’s rude behavior. The latter action, deplorably, happens on way too few occasions because the exact same kind of parents, the oblivious and lazy ones who use the said expression, happen to be so aggressive that people are afraid of their belligerent reactions. When someone does have the courage to speak up though, in the form of a kind request to keep the kids respectfully quiet on a bus, to make them stop bullying someone’s dog with a stick on the street, to get them to stop throwing objects at people in a store, or to stop them from running wild in a bank, the “kids will be kids” excuse is shoveled down the polite person’s throat.

Way too often the above response from an aggressive parent leaves the person requesting the minimum respect speechless, as if the person did not know what to answer. It does not have to be this way though. Here are some insights:

Someone who assumes that every kid is rude and ill-mannered just because it is a kid, is not only highly disrespectful towards millions of polite kids out there and their respectful parents, but also very ignorant about child development and learning abilities, including abilities to learn the rules of politeness and respect. In other words, by saying “kids will be kids” this kind of parent insults not only millions of other kids, but also his or her own children, by implying that they are dumb by nature. Nice, isn’t it?

Kids are perfectly teachable, especially the young ones, but the process requires work, immediate reactions to undesired behavior, and above all consistency. It also requires a certain level of authoritativeness; however, most child-worshiping Americans are too soft on their kids. It is also important to start very early in a child’s life, while it appears most Americans postpone this teaching until it is too late, wrongly assuming that a young child is unable to learn or “just being a kid”.

With an adequate and consistent raising process, kids turn out very polite and respectful, and no “kids will be kids” excuses are needed when kids are polite kids. Do not let any failed, disrespectful parent make you think that it is otherwise. I will reiterate: kids are not rude by nature, they are not rude because they are kids, they are not rude because of their young age. They are rude because their parents failed to teach them respect and politeness.

Whenever I hear the “kids will be kids” excuse now, I recognize it as an aggressive and thoughtless response to my polite, but direct request to bring the misbehaving kid to order. My new answer to it is the following: “Kids will be polite kids or kids will be rude kids, depending on how you teach and train them. Yours are clearly extremely rude, they are offending me as well as other customers. You failed to teach them the minimum of respect for others. You must make them quiet (or seated or standing still).” I guarantee that this response, if pronounced in a calm, respectful, but strict voice, really works. I had many occasions to practice it, so nowadays it produces successful results.

I encourage everyone who is faced with the “kids will be kids” excuse to defend themselves. It is not as difficult as you may think, and even if you shy away the first time, you may rethink it, rehearse it, and the next time get him or her to comply and bring the kid to order. The impact of your little step for respect in public places for all of us is priceless.

Why are American parents so aggressive?

When I was a child, I loved animals (and still love them), especially the little ones of all species. My mother once told me: “Do not approach a female animal when she has her puppies or kittens, she may scratch or bite you because she may think you want to hurt them”. No animal has ever bitten or scratched me, and I did not understand my mother’s warning until I moved to kid-obsessed America and had my first encounters with aggressive parents of extremely rude kids.

In a respectful society, if you point out child’s inappropriate behavior, it is an incredible shame for the parents that they failed to teach it respect so terribly, that a stranger has to request them to impose order. They apologize to the stranger and discipline the kid immediately. These situations do not happen too often because kids are generally polite and only on rare occasions strangers have to intervene, but shame, apology and discipline are a typical reaction.

In kid-obsessed America it is the opposite. Parents do not want to admit their failure. They refuse to admit their kids’ rude or offensive behavior. They consider their kids the center of the universe entitled to do whatever they want, wherever they want, and to whoever they want, and turn very belligerent in defense of this undue entitlement.

For example, if you request them to do something as basic as make the kid stop yelling (not crying, just yelling out of its whim) in public transportation or in a waiting room, instead of politely complying, they turn hostile. If you request them to hold their kid running up and down the aisles in a restaurant or on a plane, instead of apologizing for their failure, grabbing the kid and putting in a seat, they become aggressive.

There are some regional differences between the above described Northeastern United States plus California and, for example, Texas. Texans, when asked to bring their kid to order, comply, with that “o.k., o.k.”, pronounced in a sulky tone as if they were doing you a huge favor. However, they still fail to admit their fault or failure and do not apologize or do not make the child apologize for the disruption they caused.

Why is it so?

One of the reasons certainly is self-centeredness of both the parent and the child. The parent was worshiped as a kid by kid-centered parents and society, and grew up with the sense of entitlement of someone who is the center of the universe. The kid is currently awed and glorified the same way or worse, and the pugnacious parent defends the kid’s usurped “right” to overtake all the public space with no regard to other people.

Another reason is a simple lack of manners. Ill-mannered people raised ill-mannered children and overreact when their lack of manners is pointed out.

There is one basic difference between the female animals my mother referred to and American parents: the former defend their offspring when it faces real danger and the later get hostile with no reason, out of simple entitlement.

The result is lamentable. The hostile reactions to kind requests for respect harassed polite people into silence. Pugnacious parents throw their weight around and other passengers or customers became too scared to demand the minimum of respect. This is very harmful to the whole society, but also to these kids themselves. Instead of learning peaceful and respectful coexistence, they learn that they are the dictators in all places, for all people, which leads to deplorable results.

People should not be afraid of pointing out rudeness and demanding respect. The belligerent parents may be initially very aggressive, but when encounter resistance, they give in. Their favorite attack to a polite request is yelling “mind your own business!”, which gives in to a simple, calm but strict “this is exactly what I am doing; it is my business to be respected by your kid and you must make it quiet / make it stop touching me / hold it, right now!”

After the first couple of times I was shocked to encounter a hostile “mind your own business!” reaction instead of a respectful and ashamed apology, and left speechless. However, the next time I had a ready answer, and I assure you, it really works. I tested it on the most aggressive and spoiled Manhattanites. Do not be afraid to demand your rights to be respected.

Demand for “no kids allowed” restaurants high and growing

Over the past few years, a couple of restaurants in the United States banned kids on their premises. Recently, a sushi restaurant in Virginia joined them. The growing trend is a response to the outrageously rude behavior of so many children in restaurants and to their parents’ lack of consideration for other patrons.

Have you ever had your restaurant outing ruined by obnoxious kids running wild and screaming their lungs off? I bet you have. Extremely rude kids’ behavior is so common in kid-obsessed America that I am pretty sure everybody experienced it.

There are three problems in this regard:

discourteous parents fail to teach their kids respect for other people and to enforce the said respect while in public;
restaurants fail to show their respect to the customers and allow wild kids on their premises to make the experience miserable for everyone instead of removing the violators immediately;
polite people offended by kids’ behavior way too often are afraid to demand respect, thus, contribute to the unacceptable behavior by not requiring it to be ended.

It is nice to know that there are alternatives for these polite diners, parents or not, that do not wish to be exposed to kids’ rudeness. Although growing in numbers, these places are still very scarce and not all people have them nearby or within a reasonable distance. The success of the existing ones shows though that the demand is significant and gives hope for more of them to be established.

However, this so needed alternative encounters opposition and even aggression from those who love to ruin other peoples’ entertainment by letting their ill-mannered kids run wild and yell. Some parents make a fool of themselves by claiming discrimination. This kind of claim is ridiculous because the ban is instituted due to extreme rudeness, a kind of behavior that is easily changeable by proper teaching and disciplining process, not due to some inherent characteristics of a child. Too many parents keep forgetting that children are not rude by nature, they are rude when their parents fail to teach them proper behavior.

Also, these entitled parents forget that for each adult only restaurant there are thousands of venues that not only allow to bring kids, but also welcome all kinds of their unacceptably rude behavior. Moreover, a restaurant is an entertainment establishment. It is not an emergency room visit that might be necessary and life saving. Nobody ever died of lack of entertainment, and people who do not respect other customers should not be welcome at any entertainment venues.

The good news is that a large number of the online commenters, many of whom are parents of multiple children, applaud the decision of the restaurants going kid-free. However, it is deplorable that kids’ behavior is so bad that they have to be banned. The more rude kids are, the more demand there is for banning them.

How do other nations deal with the problem?

First of all, there is not much of a problem and no need to solve it because both children and parents are in vast majority polite. Having been to many restaurants in multiple countries I have not seen this level of rudeness anywhere else.

Once, in a casual place in Warsaw, I saw a child walk away from the table. Used to American standards, I wanted to cancel and leave because I expected more rude behavior to follow, but my friend stopped me. A few seconds later, the father grabbed the kid by the ear and made it sit down. It remained seated and respectfully quiet for the next two hours until they left.

Another time, in a restaurant in Bissau, I witnessed removal of a drooling, squealing kid. It was very efficient: the waiter approached the couple (both of them foreign; Guineans are very respectful and would not have to be removed) and whispered a few words; 30 seconds later the woman was outside with the kid and the man was finishing his meal hurriedly.

Things seem to be changing in kid-obsessed America, although for a more significant change to happen, polite diners cannot remain as shy as they are at the moment. They should express their requests for a respectful environment free from rude kids, be it by email or letters, be it in person. The best way to be heard is to vote with your money: whenever a rude child is ruining your experience, cancel and leave, informing the owner or manager about the reason. Do not let the kid-worshiping society manipulate you into guilt that you are doing something wrong. You are not. Being respected is your basic right and you should expressly and strictly voice your requirement for the said respect in all situations.

Take an example of the Africans

I could not be more impressed by the politeness and respect of the children in sub-Saharan Africa. From Nigeria, to Mozambique, to Angola, to Togo, I have never seen a single example of a rude behavior by a kid. There is no outrageous, senseless screaming, no uncoordinated, wild bouncing off the walls, no talking back. The kids always obey the adults, they always respect the adults, and especially the elderly, they are quiet and still when appropriate, yet they have lots of fun in the proper time and place and seem very happy.

What is the secret? What do their parents do differently to achieve this exemplary outcome? What could Americans learn from their African counterparts? I see a couple of major differences.

No African adult would ever worship and obey a kid. Children are very important to the family and to the society, but they must know their place in the hierarchy.
Children do not get away with any offense or mischief they are caught doing. They are consistently brought to order and disciplined by an adult or an older kid.
It does take a village. Children are part of the society and with the parent absent, any member of the society brings them to order. The parents never get aggressive about that. To the contrary, they are grateful that someone else did their job when they could not do it in person.
Kids work and I do not mean the child labor that is known as forbidden and undesired exploitation. I mean chores, long forgotten in kid-obsessed America. Doing housework teaches them respect for other people, for work and how to be a responsible adults in the future.
Adults do not invent any fads of “parenting styles” changing every now and then. They do not read any “how to” manuals telling them that worshiping and spoiling the kid is the best. Some African farmers barely can even read. They learn how to raise kids by simply living in the society, around other people, around younger kids, watching, participating and naturally assuming their social roles.

I often hear Americans say that people in Africa should use birth control, and categorize all Africans as a group with the dismissive and contemptuous label of “poor”. I think this opinion is very unfair considering the level of knowledge (or rather lack thereof) an average American has about the continent. Instead, Americans should seriously take an example of the Africans for one simple reason: people in sub-Saharan Africa get impressive results worth following. It is not an outmoded or conservative way of raising kids as some Americans claim. It is realistic, practical and effective and should become a trend for everyone.

Crime and… wait,… where is the punishment?

All around the world kids get punished for their wrongdoing, be it disobeying an adult, be it disrespecting someone, be it trying to be rude otherwise. Not in kid-obsessed America though.

In America, kids get away with all kinds of inappropriate behavior you cannot imagine. They run wildly and yell outrageously in public places, talk back to adults, disobey, throw objects at people, destroy property, have no table manners, keep feet on seats, even spit chewed food out openly or throw food around. They even beat their parents – something so unimaginable in most cultures in the world – and are not punished for it. To make things even worse, too many people not only do not consider it wrong, but also think of this kind of behavior as cute or smart. Nobody reacts when a child misbehaves, neither the parents, nor the society. Encouraged by no discipline or even by applause from adults, kids get worse and worse in all kinds of rudeness and disrespect.

Can you imagine a thief breaking into your home and not being reported or prosecuted? Can you imagine other kinds of crime not being penalized? What would you think of the justice system if the society did not react to crime at all and if the government did not do its job in punishing wrongdoing? What would you think if people, when they hear about or witnesses some illegal act, reacted like: “oh, that’s so cute”, “that’s so clever”, “that’s so creative”?

I was lucky to grow up in a society that disciplined kids for all kinds of misbehavior. A child would not get away with any kind of rudeness or disrespect because there was always an adult – a parent, teacher, neighbor or relative – or an older kid to discipline it. The reaction of the society was immediate and the punishment unavoidable.

Years later, at the university, I attended classes in criminal law. When discussing the upsides and downsides of the death penalty, the professor told us that in order to be effective and a deterrent, a penalty does not have to be cruel, but it must be prompt and unavoidable. I learned this lesson in relation to crime, but at that time I did not yet relate it to life.

Only in kid-obsessed America, seeing all the unacceptable behavior by kids, I understood that the same principle was practiced every day by everyone in my society, that it was very effective and that it terribly lacked in this child-centric nation. The result of lack of this principle in force is deplorable.

In order to create a society with polite and respectful kids, prompt, unavoidable punishment and discipline should be instilled and enforced, not only by parents, but also by the society as a whole, especially by schools. In public places, everyone should react when seeing kids misbehave by requiring the parents to bring their offspring to order and restore respect. People should not be shy (unfortunately, in this kid-worshiping society they too often are) in demanding it. It is their basic right to be respected and to be able to enjoy public space.