Tag Archives: punishment

The unconditional love myth

Childfree people in America often get nagged by those with kids about unconditional love. People who have kids imply in a very intrusive way that if their interlocutors choose not to have a kid, nobody will love them unconditionally. “Who will love you unconditionally?” or “You will never know what unconditional love is” it goes. But do American parents really experience unconditional love from their kids? Their behavior shows that they not only do not, but the kids’ love, if any, is strongly conditioned by bribes and concessions from their parents.

Seeing American parents kowtowing to their kids throws a shadow of doubt on their unconditional love statements. Do they really believe it, in spite of their behavior that proves the contrary? If so, they must be really naive. Do they not see that what they call “unconditional love” actually depends on constant bribing and catering to the kid?

It is very easy to observe anywhere in public places that American parents are scared that their kids will not love or even like them. They do not make any demands for proper and respectful behavior for fear that their precious snowflake will not like it and, in turn, not like the parent who made the demand. They beg the kid instead of giving clear and strict orders and put themselves at the mercy of the spoiled, bratty kid. “Please, please, would you please, you are hurting my feelings, please do not scream this much, do not hurt my feelings, please, please, please” is their way of telling a two or three year old to stop ear-piercing screaming in a public place where silence is a standard required behavior. “Keep quiet”, “stop it” or “quiet, right now!” with a strict, serious face (and an immediate smile after the kid complies) is enough to get a normal, well-trained kid to comply, and this is what millions of people all around the world successfully do. However, Americans not only lack those skills, they are also too insecure and have a constant need to kowtow to the kid for fear it will not love them. So, where is the unconditional love?

American parents do not require the kid to eat what they decide is good for it but give it too many choices, often unhealthy, and let the kid that is too young to make such decisions eat whatever it wants, just because it wants to. Wherever food is served, it is easy to notice frequent scenes of this kind. I also remember an article published quite a few years ago about a woman from California (actually occurred before the more recent case in San Francisco) who started an action to ban within the whole town a fast food meal choice that included a toy just because her two year old kid was harassing her (her own term) to buy it. This behavior is not only a terrible lack of child-rearing skills and the spine to say “no”, but also the mother’s insecurity that the kid will not love her. So, is this the unconditional love?

Americans stuff their kids’ mouths with candy bribes whenever they can and at a single kid’s whim. They fulfill kids’ orders obediently and immediately. They buy tons of toys just because the deity kid requested them, played with them for a short time, and after dumping them in a far corner to be forgotten, made requests for new ones that the insecure parents obediently bought. Even worse, if the parents buy a toy the king or queen does not like, they get yelled at, thrown insults at, and jump into the car to get the right one, terrified that the little dictator will not like them. Companies play marketing tricks on parents’ insecurity by offering more and more toys and tons of plastic add up in landfills, ruining our common heritage – the environment – just because someone who has a kid does not want to say “no”. So, where is the kid that loves unconditionally?

Love normally includes respect. American kids, however, disrespect their parents severely, and the parents let them do it terrified that they may not get “unconditional” love if they bring the kid to order. I heard kids, starting at a very young age, disrespect parents in public places with unmentionable insults, “stupid” being the lightest of them. I have heard young kids talk back to their parents in such a shameless and aggressive way that a normal parent in any other culture would react immediately with proper punishment. I have read outrageous stories of very young kids abusing their parents verbally and physically (no, not teens with criminal backgrounds, but preschool and early elementary school kids of middle and upper middle class parents), with parents doing nothing to counteract it, just complaining about it. I was appalled to see kids actually beat their parents in public places with no reaction on the adults’ side. So, does unconditional love really involve verbal and physical abuse?

In so many societies around the world, parents teach and train their kids strictly. They make demands and requests, they make the kids work, they punish the kids for any attempt of disobedience and disrespect, they are never at kids’ whim, to not kowtow to them, do not obey kids’ orders (kids would never dare to give orders to adults, they may only kindly ask), they would never let a kid talk back to them, not to mention a kid hitting an adult. Those kids do not have expensive toys and happily rely on what they invent to play with. They do not have designer clothes, some of them barely have any hand-me-down clothes at all. They do not get candy bribes, extracurricular classes, or expensive vehicles with permanently unemployed mothers to drive the kids.

Yet, these kids are happy, polite, and respectful. They love and obey their parents, respect them and, in the lack of reliable social security systems, take good care of them when they get old (nursing homes in these societies are scarce or nonexistent). It is a result of parents’ wisdom in loving and disciplining the kids accordingly. It is the child rearing skills passed on from generation to generation, leaned by living one’s life in a participating society, without succumbing to any fads of “parenting styles” but also the confidence that results from these skills. These parents are not insecure or terrified that their kids will not like them. They are sure of their kids’ unconditional love which indeed has no conditions or requirements just as their parents and grandparents were sure and confident.

Love is not about bribing. If a bribe is needed to get something, it is corruption, not love, and by no means is it unconditional. Worshiping and bribing kids, putting them on a pedestal as the center of the universe, and kowtowing to them is harmful for both the kids and the society as a whole. It spoils the kids, makes them extremely rude, self-centered, and entitled. Just look around, this deplorable result is clearly visible (and especially audible) in all sorts of public places. Kids must be disciplined wisely, by responsible, confident adults not terrified or insecure that the kid will not like them. The unconditional love will follow as a result of the proper child rearing process.

Caution: I am too lazy to watch my kids

American parents like to escape from their parental duties and from the responsibility for their kids and offload it onto other people. The best evidence for this fact are the signs so widespread in residential areas: “Caution: Children at Play” or “Slow: Children Playing”, a variety of the latter establishing speed limits of 5-15 miles per hour. The most ridiculous one I have seen was a flat, cardboard figure with a real size kid photo on it. These are typically American signs. Having lived in a couple of countries and traveled to much more, I have never seen them anywhere else. Why? Because people in other societies are responsible for their kids’ behavior and do not pass their responsibility onto anybody else.

When two adults decide to have a kid (and in AD 2013 this is certainly a decision, with multiple methods of birth control widely available, no excuses should be made about it), they are fully responsible for their kids’ behavior and safety. Offloading their responsibilities and duties onto someone else (except for people paid by them for watching kids) is unacceptable. What responsible parents in other societies do and what American parents should learn to do is to instill into the kid from the very young age the most important sign-like information: “Caution: Roads are for Cars”, “Caution: Stay in your Parents’ Yard”, “Warning: Streets are not Playgrounds”, or “Watch for Cars”. Another good option is: “When you see a car, move to the sidewalk immediately”. Building a fence with a locking gate and keeping the kid in the yard is a good solution.

While traveling across America, I saw a sign on the rear of a bus: “Caution: Children may be Exiting”. I do not remember where exactly it was, possibly in Austin. This is another way of offloading parents’ responsibility onto other people. If kids under certain, quite high ages are not allowed to be out on the streets or in other public places alone, that logically means all children on buses are accompanied by at least one adult. This adult is responsible for the child and should require it to stand still and never run wild or should hold it. The same refers to exiting the bus: no wild release, hold it or teach it to walk right next to the adult guardian, bring it to order in the same second when it tries to walk or run away and nothing will happen. Unfortunately, American parents are too oblivious and too lazy to teach, hold, and watch their kids. In this country, the sign on the rear of buses should rather say: “Caution: Lazy Parents and Released Wild Kids”.

American parents simply fail to teach their children cautiousness and responsibility. I saw thousands of kids playing on the streets in multiple countries. They played respectfully, quietly, without wild yelling, and were trained to watch for cars or motorcycles. As soon as a vehicle approached, they dispersed to the sides immediately. Pardon this comparison, but most people have probably seen cockroaches escape in the same second when a light goes on. This is exactly how it looks: Kids run to the sides in the same second in which a vehicle appears on the horizon.

When I was growing up, we did exactly the same as I see when I travel. All of us kids, starting at the age of about three, played respectfully on the street and when a car approached, we immediately moved to the sidewalk. There was never any adult present. Adults were busy working and obtaining food. Kids were required and trained to be responsible for themselves and for the younger ones. If a kid acted irresponsibly, i.e. failed to move away when a car was approaching, this inaction would be reported to its parents and the kid would be punished. Because the society was very consistent, with no “parenting styles” or other fads, one kid getting punished by its parents or relatives meant that any other kid would get punished for exactly the same. This was the best deterring factor that kept all the kids in order. If a kid got hurt, and it was its fault, it would never be coddled, bribed, or worshiped; it would be punished for lack of cautiousness and responsibility. It would never occur to any parent to blame someone else or to offload the responsibility onto other people.

Some time ago I read a very interesting book: “So Long a Letter” by Mariama Bâ. Two out of twelve kids of the main character, Ramatoulaye, disobeyed her ban and went to play soccer on the street. A motorcyclist hit them. One of the kids and the motorcyclist got lightly injured and the other kid ended up with a broken arm. The motorcyclist came to Ramatoulaye’s door to tell her what happened. She apologized to him for her kids being the cause of his accident, clearly admitting their fault, took care of his injuries, and only afterwards proceeded to the kids. First, she disciplined both of them and only then required an older kid to take the one with a broken arm to the hospital. She made them suffer the consequences of their irresponsible and disobedient behavior. It was a lesson not only for them but also for all the other kids who played with them.

My mother had more kids than hands. When she took her kids somewhere, we were required to hold her hand, hold on to a bag she was holding if she did not have any free hand, or simply walk right next to her. Running wild, way ahead of her was absolutely not allowed and if a kid tried to disobey, it would be brought to order in the same second. Other parents and relatives as well as older kids did exactly the same. There was absolutely no running wild.

Americans release their young children to run wild far ahead, let them yell wild and bump into people at full speed and not only fail to apologize but also blame anyone except themselves if their worshiped precious snowflake gets scared or falls and scratches its knee. They fail to teach their kids to be cautious and responsible; then pass their responsibility onto anybody else, businesses, or other users of public space, and blame the others for their own and kids’ failures and faults. This is unacceptable, and the society as a whole should put pressure to change it. American parents should be required to assume responsibility for their own and kids’ acts and omissions. Watching and holding kids at all times when outside the home as well as teaching them responsibility and cautiousness is a must, and if parents do not want to do it, they should keep them at home.

Why are Americans unable to raise children?

Americans totally fail to raise their children. This is a fact that can be easily verified by spending a few minutes in any public place in America. Their kids are extremely rude, noisy, entitled, self-centered, and very unsanitary. These characteristics are so common that many people who have never lived in other cultures and were not exposed to polite, well raised children nor to a successful child-rearing process think that they are inherent to all children. No, they are not. They are a result of a parental failure and the easiest way to corroborate it is to spend some time in those societies that yield polite and respectful kids, for example, in sub-Saharan Africa, and compare.

In most societies around the world, people grow up in overcrowded housing developments exposed to relatives’ and neighbors’ kids every day and participate in raising them every day, just as their parents and grandparents once did. As kids are omnipresent, they interact with them a lot while still being kids themselves, they watch the adults discipline and punish younger children and repeat their actions in similar circumstances, learning this way how to raise them. They know when to discipline and punish a child and how: they also know how and at what occasion to praise it. They know what the desirable standard of behavior is as they were brought up to this standard themselves, and they see younger children being consistently brought up to the same standard. They know what behavior is unacceptable as they were disciplined and punished for this behavior and they see younger children being consistently disciplined and punished for exactly the same.

In these societies there are no “parenting styles”, “parenting experts”, or “parenting classes”. People learn all child-related skills while simply living their lives, and usually they learn it before puberty. They do not over-intellectualize the child-rearing process and apply what they have learned while participating in raising other “village” children. Yes, it does take a village, and in village-like, participating societies people have child-rearing skills and lots of experience before they actually have a child of their own.

American kids grow up in the luxury of separate homes, with their parents only, and are deprived of this valuable experience. They are not exposed to child-rearing processes, and the few of them who have much younger siblings usually witness their parent’s struggle and fail. Their contact with children is limited to occasional part-time babysitting in high school, or on holiday visits to their relatives. They are completely deprived of the valuable lesson of witnessing, participating in, and learning from a successful raising process. They start learning how to raise a child only when they have their own, and so often fail terribly.

As if this was not enough, they see outrageous children’s behavior in public places and entitled parents’ hostile behavior defending their offspring’s “right” to be rude being common that a pattern appears in their minds that this is normal, as this is the only way of dealing with kids they can observe. They witness the disregard and contempt Americans have for a participating society without being aware that rejecting the participation leads to failure in raising kids.

When their own children come into this world, they are lost. They resort to “how to” manuals of doubtful quality written by self-proclaimed “experts” who never participated in raising children except for their own and failed, and who never lived in or even visited a society with polite and respectful children. They resort to “specialists” in “child development” or “child psychology” spawned by universities after a few years of theoretical studies, who run their coaching sessions or write their books based on studies with a small sample group instead of lifelong experience in the cultures successful in child-rearing. They spend a lot of money on “parenting classes” and books or magazines of doubtful quality that are designed or written by theoreticians presenting latest fads of “parenting styles” that change every time the wind blows. By the way, did someone ever check how much all that “parenting style” market is worth? I bet there is huge money behind it. The results of following it are deplorable – American kids, extremely rude, selfish, and entitlement-minded are totally unable to live in a society and to respect the society they live in.

American parents should learn from the societies in which kids are really polite and respectful, like the sub-Saharan African ones, but instead, they dismiss these societies with the contemptuous labels of “poor” or “primitive”. Why reinvent the wheel? The wheel is already there, passed from generation to generation, in a consistent, unchanged form and yielding great results. The American attempts to design the child raising wheel, meanwhile fail and become farther and farther from the desired one, resembling a square rather than a wheel at this moment.

American parents need to wake up, rethink their behavior, and start learning from successful societies instead of learning from “experts” of doubtful credentials who earn a lot of money prescribing recipes for a parental disaster.

Crime and… wait,… where is the punishment?

All around the world kids get punished for their wrongdoing, be it disobeying an adult, be it disrespecting someone, be it trying to be rude otherwise. Not in kid-obsessed America though.

In America, kids get away with all kinds of inappropriate behavior you cannot imagine. They run wildly and yell outrageously in public places, talk back to adults, disobey, throw objects at people, destroy property, have no table manners, keep feet on seats, even spit chewed food out openly or throw food around. They even beat their parents – something so unimaginable in most cultures in the world – and are not punished for it. To make things even worse, too many people not only do not consider it wrong, but also think of this kind of behavior as cute or smart. Nobody reacts when a child misbehaves, neither the parents, nor the society. Encouraged by no discipline or even by applause from adults, kids get worse and worse in all kinds of rudeness and disrespect.

Can you imagine a thief breaking into your home and not being reported or prosecuted? Can you imagine other kinds of crime not being penalized? What would you think of the justice system if the society did not react to crime at all and if the government did not do its job in punishing wrongdoing? What would you think if people, when they hear about or witnesses some illegal act, reacted like: “oh, that’s so cute”, “that’s so clever”, “that’s so creative”?

I was lucky to grow up in a society that disciplined kids for all kinds of misbehavior. A child would not get away with any kind of rudeness or disrespect because there was always an adult – a parent, teacher, neighbor or relative – or an older kid to discipline it. The reaction of the society was immediate and the punishment unavoidable.

Years later, at the university, I attended classes in criminal law. When discussing the upsides and downsides of the death penalty, the professor told us that in order to be effective and a deterrent, a penalty does not have to be cruel, but it must be prompt and unavoidable. I learned this lesson in relation to crime, but at that time I did not yet relate it to life.

Only in kid-obsessed America, seeing all the unacceptable behavior by kids, I understood that the same principle was practiced every day by everyone in my society, that it was very effective and that it terribly lacked in this child-centric nation. The result of lack of this principle in force is deplorable.

In order to create a society with polite and respectful kids, prompt, unavoidable punishment and discipline should be instilled and enforced, not only by parents, but also by the society as a whole, especially by schools. In public places, everyone should react when seeing kids misbehave by requiring the parents to bring their offspring to order and restore respect. People should not be shy (unfortunately, in this kid-worshiping society they too often are) in demanding it. It is their basic right to be respected and to be able to enjoy public space.