Tag Archives: America

A few words on heavily armored precious snowflakes

A couple of days ago I read a very interesting and inspiring article about kids’ bikes in America in the 1970s. After a memoir of the brands and types of bikes he and his friends rode as kids and of the fun they had, the author states something very thought-provoking: “Bruises, bumps, and bandages were like badges of honor, and I couldn’t wait to display mine on my trusty Schwinn Sting-Ray.”

Yes, that is so true. They were like badges of honor, like proof of the fun one had and like evidence of one’s strength and resistance to pain and hardship. In many societies in the world, they actually still are. When I travel across Africa, Asia, Latin America, and even many parts of Europe, I still see unarmored kids having fun riding bikes, playing soccer or other sports. They run in the streets and have fun. The parents do not excessively worry about them. The only conditions parents establish for their kids often are to be back home at a certain time, to have their homework done, and the most important, to respect the neighbors’ peaceful living (ear-piercing screaming like American kids make is unheard of and unacceptable, it is a sign of alarm, not fun).

I grew up the same way. As long as the weather allowed, after the homework and the chores were done, all the kids played soccer or biked outside. The parents did not spoil us with even basic equipment. We wore hand-me-downs, too large, too small, who would care? Only one kid on the block had a soccer ball. When he was away, we kicked a can or a bag stuffed with a rug and had just the same level of fun. No child ever wore any piece of armor, knee pads or elbow pads were unknown, and we would ridicule them anyway. Helmets were for motorcyclists or construction workers. Our soccer field was an abandoned piece of land with two rocks on each end instead of the goals. This way we learned quite a bit of negotiation skills in determining whether the ball hit the imaginary crossbar and never had a fight over it. As a goalie, I caught the ball barehanded until I found a pair of oversized, cement-stained gloves abandoned by a worker. This was actually the only piece of body protection equipment any of us ever used. My gloves soon became a legend, even among adults, and I was praised for creativity. None of my relatives would ever think about replacing them with sports store gloves.

When we were playing outside and the volume was getting a little too high, the neighbor living next to the soccer field came out to bring us to order. All of us apologized and obeyed. We knew very well that there would be no other warning, that he would go to our parents, and they would make sure that we never forgot the day we brought shame on them. We learned and showed respect; thanks to the adults’ consistency in disciplining us. I cannot imagine an average American parent getting over him or herself and letting other adults bring their worshiped princes and princesses to order or make their kid apologize for any wrongdoing. They are way too aggressive and entitled, which is harmful for both the kids growing up with the sense of impunity and for the society that is exposed to the spoiled and disrespectful kids.

I am very sorry for those heavily armored American kids out there (knee pads, helmets, elbow pads) as if they were going to fight a war, not to play. American parents are so obsessed about their precious snowflakes that their kids became socially disabled and unadjusted. They do not learn to live a normal life. The parents are doing them a serious disservice by depriving them of a valuable learning opportunity. If the kids are treated as if they were made of gold and diamonds, no wonder they are so entitled and think they are the center of the universe. When bruises, scratched knees, and bumps resulting from kids’ playing become not only a reason to panic, but also an excuse to sue, this is a sign that something in this kid-obsessed society has gone seriously wrong and needs rethinking and reconsidering, at the very least.

Companies’ marketing experts skillfully tricked parents into buying all that armor and make money off of their obsessions. Parents had an option to say “no” and let them go out of business, but in their kid-obsession and unreasonable overconcern, they chose to buy all the armor possible for their precious snowflakes. Who will make money next? Therapists hired to treat post-bruise and post-knee-scratch trauma?

When I was a kid, bruises and scratched knees were a normal part of life, children were proud of not crying over them and parents did not even comment on them. Excess blood, a bad deep cut that needed stitches, or a broken bone were the reasons to get adults’ attention and go to a doctor. When a toddler fell, an adult or an older child did not run for rescue, but said instead: “did you catch the rabbit (a falling kid looks like it is trying to catch something on the ground)? Where is the bunny, escaped? Well, you will catch it next time” or “it will heal by your wedding date”. A child, starting to cry, calmed down instantly hearing this, a smile soon appeared, and it learned that a scratched knee is no reason for worry. No child ever wore any piece of armor and no adult would ever think about depriving his or her child of the valuable opportunity of learning life. American parents panic when a toddler falls, make a big deal about it even if nothing happens, and it is their panic and excess worry that actually scares the child and makes it cry. This kid-centered, overconcerned approach is wrong and harmful.

I was shocked to read about an American woman who brought a kid with a scratched knee to the emergency room. I hope the staff had a great laugh after she had left. I was also shocked to see a women in one of the American city suburb-like, quiet neighborhoods walking on the street with an approximately one year old child strapped to her chest and wearing a helmet. Why would a kid need a helmet is beyond my comprehension. There was no hail forecast for that day. Would it be to protect the precious snowflake’s designer hairstyle from bird poop? How bad does it have to get for this kid-obsession trend to reverse?

“When I was a kid, and so on….”, someone would say about the nostalgia of  the good old times, right? Wrong. When I visit the area where I grew up, regardless of the development and acquired relative wealth, kids are still playing in the streets, still playing respectfully (no excess noise, absolutely no yelling), and are still unarmored. Parents are still reasonable, not making a big deal over a bump or bruise, and disciplining their kids whenever necessary. They still do not protest when someone else brings their kid to order, as long as the kid deserves it. They still do not spoil their kids with too much equipment. All items to armor a kid are available in sports stores. People do not buy them because they are simply reasonable and not overconcerned. They want to teach their kids life. My parents’ generation grew up this way, and they turned to be respectful, self-reliant people, courageous and brave to bring the change that was most needed. My generation grew up this way, and we turned to be respectful, self-reliant people building stability, success, and growth. The next generation is being raised to be respectful and self-reliant as well.

I am also pleased to travel to many countries where children have the opportunity to grow up learning life, not being overprotected or overstimulated, but are very skillful in making toys out of anything: a stick, a can, an old tire, are happy and joyful, but also respectful and well adjusted to living in a society. Americans would greatly benefit by learning from these societies.

Kids must behave respectfully on public transportation

Recently I read an article by an entitled New York City mother describing her kid’s rude behavior on a bus, i.e. singing or talking loudly, that treated this rudeness not only as normal, but also as desirable and required other passengers to put up with it without a word of disapproval. She called it teaching her daughter how to be a strong woman. Excuse me? Last time I checked in a dictionary, strong was not a synonym of rude or disrespectful.

All kids should be taught to behave respectfully on public transportation from a very young age. A two year old kid must be able, and in most cultures in the world, is able to react to simple adult commands like “be quiet” or “sit still” and distinguish a bus from a playground. It is important that children learn what they see around them and it is natural to be excited about it, but on a bus, the only form of expressing excitement by adults or children is whispering.

The entitlement of the author goes beyond all possible limits when she suggests that if someone does not like her precious snowflake’s unacceptable behavior, he or she should move to a different part of the bus or get off and take a taxi. No, dear lady, you are seriously wrong. It is not the polite person offended by kid’s rudeness who should get off, it is you, if you do not want to respect other passengers. It is your duty to control your kid ,and if you refuse or fail to do it, it is you who should get off and take a taxi.

Unfortunately in kid-obsessed America, this kind of entitled and selfish behavior of a parent of an ill-mannered kid is not unusual. It is especially noticeable on New York City subway and buses. I witness it day after day, year after year. Children behave outrageously: talk very loudly, scream their lungs off, jump like monkeys or run wild, remain seated while adults, and especially senior citizens, are standing, do not cover coughs and sneezes, slobber the handles all over (no wonder swine flu was spreading so fast in NYC), touch people with dirty, sticky of saliva hands, etc. They are always accompanied by adults, yet these adults not only do nothing to bring their kids to order, but also encourage rudeness, for example, a guy I saw tickling the kid to scream even louder although the actual noise level was already unbearable and unacceptable. Young kids are also brought to public transportation by their irresponsible parents after midnight, which should not happen. Parents sometimes bring kids in strollers, and while on the train, take them out and put them on a separate seat while adults are standing. This is also unacceptable.

Other passengers are afraid to point out kids’ rudeness because entitled, hostile parents harassed them into silence. As if their silence was not enough, I saw people unduly give their seats to 7-10 year old, healthy kids that just a second ago had the energy to run wild.

When the subject of rude children in public places comes up, someone kid-obsessed wanting to direct the conversation to something else usually brings up people who talk loudly on their cell phones in public places. These people just forget to mention that the obnoxious cell phone talkers are these obnoxious, screaming, never disciplined children twenty, thirty, or forty years later, equally disruptive as during their childhood, just in a different way. Their parents failed to teach them respectful behavior in due course and the selfishness and disrespect continues, only the means change. No, someone’s rude behavior on the phone does not authorize someone else’s kid to be disrespectfully loud or jumpy. Both are highly unacceptable. Cell phone talkers should not be used as an excuse.

When I was a kid, children starting in first grade were riding public buses (there were no school buses) alone without accompanying adults. They were required to stand still and quiet. If they failed to comply, any of the adults would reprimand them. Kids’ rudeness did not happen too often, but on those rare occasions when it did happen, other passenger’s order enforcement was immediate and unavoidable.

I have used public transportation in many European and African cities, and I have never seen something like this. What attracted my attention in Europe is that parents keep children away from other passengers whenever possible. For example, when there are two seats next to each other (obviously assuming that there are no adults standing) and one of them is next to a person, the adult takes the later, thus separating the kid from that person, while Americans tend to do the opposite, put the kid next to the person and let it touch and slobber on him or her.

Another interesting point is the privilege of the kid riding free of charge. In many European cities, young children (under 4-6 years old, depending on the system) are not required to pay a fare under the condition that they do not take a separate seat. This tradeoff is very fair, but American parents would obviously want it all – take the privileges without the duties.

Also, it is very rare that a kid is loud, obnoxious, or jumpy on European buses, trams, or subway trains. Kids sometimes try it, but are brought to order in the same second. Sometimes I have seen parents quiet a kid down before it actually starts making any noise, apparently they know the kid, and they know what is coming.

All children, starting from the youngest age, must be taught to behave politely on all kinds of public transportation. They must be required to sit still and quiet; absolutely no screaming. They must give up their seats for adults, especially for senior citizens (with the obvious exceptions of disabled or ill kids), and if there are seats available, sit still and quiet with hands off the mouth, and no touching people. It is the adult’s responsibility to hold the kid and other people should not be burdened by it. It is the adult’s responsibility to keep the kid respectfully quiet, and if he or she fails, anyone should freely require to impose order and respect. Parents should not wait five minutes, or even one minute, to quiet the kid down; they should do it in the same second when it starts making noise other than a whisper. It is the parent’s responsibility to teach their kids the clear difference between a bus and a playground.

Polite people should not remain silent about kids’ rudeness. They should strictly and immediately require parents to discipline the child and to stop the disruption. Long commutes, stressful work environments, very early or very late working hours make subway or bus rides miserable enough. There is no need to put up with ear-piercing screams, singing, or to remain standing while a healthy obnoxious princess is seated. People have a sacred right to defend themselves from kids’ and parents’ rudeness, entitlement, and selfishness and should make use of the right as often as necessary.

Why are Americans unable to raise children?

Americans totally fail to raise their children. This is a fact that can be easily verified by spending a few minutes in any public place in America. Their kids are extremely rude, noisy, entitled, self-centered, and very unsanitary. These characteristics are so common that many people who have never lived in other cultures and were not exposed to polite, well raised children nor to a successful child-rearing process think that they are inherent to all children. No, they are not. They are a result of a parental failure and the easiest way to corroborate it is to spend some time in those societies that yield polite and respectful kids, for example, in sub-Saharan Africa, and compare.

In most societies around the world, people grow up in overcrowded housing developments exposed to relatives’ and neighbors’ kids every day and participate in raising them every day, just as their parents and grandparents once did. As kids are omnipresent, they interact with them a lot while still being kids themselves, they watch the adults discipline and punish younger children and repeat their actions in similar circumstances, learning this way how to raise them. They know when to discipline and punish a child and how: they also know how and at what occasion to praise it. They know what the desirable standard of behavior is as they were brought up to this standard themselves, and they see younger children being consistently brought up to the same standard. They know what behavior is unacceptable as they were disciplined and punished for this behavior and they see younger children being consistently disciplined and punished for exactly the same.

In these societies there are no “parenting styles”, “parenting experts”, or “parenting classes”. People learn all child-related skills while simply living their lives, and usually they learn it before puberty. They do not over-intellectualize the child-rearing process and apply what they have learned while participating in raising other “village” children. Yes, it does take a village, and in village-like, participating societies people have child-rearing skills and lots of experience before they actually have a child of their own.

American kids grow up in the luxury of separate homes, with their parents only, and are deprived of this valuable experience. They are not exposed to child-rearing processes, and the few of them who have much younger siblings usually witness their parent’s struggle and fail. Their contact with children is limited to occasional part-time babysitting in high school, or on holiday visits to their relatives. They are completely deprived of the valuable lesson of witnessing, participating in, and learning from a successful raising process. They start learning how to raise a child only when they have their own, and so often fail terribly.

As if this was not enough, they see outrageous children’s behavior in public places and entitled parents’ hostile behavior defending their offspring’s “right” to be rude being common that a pattern appears in their minds that this is normal, as this is the only way of dealing with kids they can observe. They witness the disregard and contempt Americans have for a participating society without being aware that rejecting the participation leads to failure in raising kids.

When their own children come into this world, they are lost. They resort to “how to” manuals of doubtful quality written by self-proclaimed “experts” who never participated in raising children except for their own and failed, and who never lived in or even visited a society with polite and respectful children. They resort to “specialists” in “child development” or “child psychology” spawned by universities after a few years of theoretical studies, who run their coaching sessions or write their books based on studies with a small sample group instead of lifelong experience in the cultures successful in child-rearing. They spend a lot of money on “parenting classes” and books or magazines of doubtful quality that are designed or written by theoreticians presenting latest fads of “parenting styles” that change every time the wind blows. By the way, did someone ever check how much all that “parenting style” market is worth? I bet there is huge money behind it. The results of following it are deplorable – American kids, extremely rude, selfish, and entitlement-minded are totally unable to live in a society and to respect the society they live in.

American parents should learn from the societies in which kids are really polite and respectful, like the sub-Saharan African ones, but instead, they dismiss these societies with the contemptuous labels of “poor” or “primitive”. Why reinvent the wheel? The wheel is already there, passed from generation to generation, in a consistent, unchanged form and yielding great results. The American attempts to design the child raising wheel, meanwhile fail and become farther and farther from the desired one, resembling a square rather than a wheel at this moment.

American parents need to wake up, rethink their behavior, and start learning from successful societies instead of learning from “experts” of doubtful credentials who earn a lot of money prescribing recipes for a parental disaster.

Kids must be taught how to deal with emergencies

A few days ago, a five year old kid who called 911 when the mother was choking made the news. What is so unusual about a kid calling to get an ambulance when someone is having a sudden and serious health problem? Nothing, but kid-obsessed Americans managed to make a big deal and front page news out of it.

In kid-obsessed America, anything a kid does, no matter how usual, is labeled as adorable and cute. It could not be different in this case. The comments under the news articles were ludicrous: “how adorable”, “so cute”, “most adorable 911 call ever”, “so adorable”, and a thousand more over-sweet adorables. The kid, in fact, did a good job calling for help, but nothing out of ordinary, and nothing more than what should be required from a kid of this age. It was responsible, right, timely, maybe even life saving, very well done, but neither adorable nor cute. This kind of action should be required from a kid of five as a standard, not praised to the skies as if it were a superhuman achievement.

All kids should be trained what to do in case of an emergency. The earlier, the better, for the kids themselves, and for their immediate environment. Calling for help in case of an emergency is essential, and this kind of training should not be omitted by the excuse that the child is too young. If it is indeed too young to know the digits, or even to know how to press a pre-programmed button to make a phone call, it should be able to run to the nearest neighbor and to seek the adult’s attention and help.

I was trained to address emergencies much earlier than at the age of five, and all kids around me were taught it as well. It was more difficult than in America because there were separate phone numbers for each service, like ambulance, firefighters, and police, not a general one which simplifies the training by a great deal. Still, it was not difficult for an average child to learn. I was also trained where the main valves for water as well as where the electric fuses were located in the house. I would not be able to turn them off by myself, but I was required to bring a neighbor to do it, and show him or her where they are located. I was taught what kind of emergency required what kind of action. I did not die from knowledge overload. I did not have a prospective emergency trauma either. My parents, in turn, felt safer when leaving for work, even if elderly relatives were at home at that time.

All other parents I knew efficiently rehearsed emergency situations with their young kids, as well as taught them basic responsibilities. At the age of five, kids were actually left at home or outside for some time and required to watch younger children: their siblings, cousins, or neighbors’ kids. All of them did it skillfully and responsibly. No immature or irresponsible acts ever happened. With proper training, kids are perfectly able to do it.

Americans greatly underestimate their children’s learning abilities, especially if it comes to useful things, and in fact, treat the kids as if they were mentally deficient. They place their offspring on pedestals and worship, instead of teaching them useful, life-related skills. Their kids are allowed to learn to operate devices like video games, TV sets, and other electronic fun gadgets, that require some minimum of skills to use, but the precious snowflakes would, in the obsessed parents’ opinion, suffer an irreversible trauma if they were taught something as simple and useful as how to operate a washing machine.

If a kid learns how to operate a computer, or a TV set, it must be able to learn how to call 911, or how to turn a washer on. These basic skills should be strictly required, not treated as extraordinary or heroic, and published as front page news with the laughable label of “adorable”.

The “kids will be kids” excuse

Countless times I have heard the expression “kids will be kids” in kid-obsessed America. It was totally unknown to me before, as the attitude associated with the expression was nonexistent in any of the countries I have previously been to or lived in. I figured out fast, however, that what it means is a simple, yet shameless justification of unacceptable kids’ behavior, a totally wrong assumption that all kids are extremely rude by nature and nothing can be done about it.

“Kids will be kids” is an absurd excuse so often used by slothful parents whenever someone else points out their child’s rude behavior. The latter action, deplorably, happens on way too few occasions because the exact same kind of parents, the oblivious and lazy ones who use the said expression, happen to be so aggressive that people are afraid of their belligerent reactions. When someone does have the courage to speak up though, in the form of a kind request to keep the kids respectfully quiet on a bus, to make them stop bullying someone’s dog with a stick on the street, to get them to stop throwing objects at people in a store, or to stop them from running wild in a bank, the “kids will be kids” excuse is shoveled down the polite person’s throat.

Way too often the above response from an aggressive parent leaves the person requesting the minimum respect speechless, as if the person did not know what to answer. It does not have to be this way though. Here are some insights:

Someone who assumes that every kid is rude and ill-mannered just because it is a kid, is not only highly disrespectful towards millions of polite kids out there and their respectful parents, but also very ignorant about child development and learning abilities, including abilities to learn the rules of politeness and respect. In other words, by saying “kids will be kids” this kind of parent insults not only millions of other kids, but also his or her own children, by implying that they are dumb by nature. Nice, isn’t it?

Kids are perfectly teachable, especially the young ones, but the process requires work, immediate reactions to undesired behavior, and above all consistency. It also requires a certain level of authoritativeness; however, most child-worshiping Americans are too soft on their kids. It is also important to start very early in a child’s life, while it appears most Americans postpone this teaching until it is too late, wrongly assuming that a young child is unable to learn or “just being a kid”.

With an adequate and consistent raising process, kids turn out very polite and respectful, and no “kids will be kids” excuses are needed when kids are polite kids. Do not let any failed, disrespectful parent make you think that it is otherwise. I will reiterate: kids are not rude by nature, they are not rude because they are kids, they are not rude because of their young age. They are rude because their parents failed to teach them respect and politeness.

Whenever I hear the “kids will be kids” excuse now, I recognize it as an aggressive and thoughtless response to my polite, but direct request to bring the misbehaving kid to order. My new answer to it is the following: “Kids will be polite kids or kids will be rude kids, depending on how you teach and train them. Yours are clearly extremely rude, they are offending me as well as other customers. You failed to teach them the minimum of respect for others. You must make them quiet (or seated or standing still).” I guarantee that this response, if pronounced in a calm, respectful, but strict voice, really works. I had many occasions to practice it, so nowadays it produces successful results.

I encourage everyone who is faced with the “kids will be kids” excuse to defend themselves. It is not as difficult as you may think, and even if you shy away the first time, you may rethink it, rehearse it, and the next time get him or her to comply and bring the kid to order. The impact of your little step for respect in public places for all of us is priceless.